Understanding

I will no longer live my life like this.
I can’t take the constant unknown, the pain.
I can tell that you don’t really care
By the way you say “Just take care of her.”
I reach out my hand one last time and say
“Don’t you love me, Daddy?”

You look away, it’s hard to say
If what your eyes conveyed was pain or relief.
Before now I had always thought of you
As my hero,
My protection.
Your protection wasn’t long lived,
It was full of holes and despair.

I understand that  in order for you to love me,
You have to love yourself first,
But how can that be
When you can’t even
Look at me?

You don’t look back as you leave.
I wonder if you will ever come back.
Mommy said that she loved you before you died,
I don’t understand what she means;
I tell her, “But daddy is still alive.”
She just shook her head
Every time I said this and whispered,
Angst dripping into her voice,
“Maybe when you get older,
You will understand.”

 Now I am older mom, and yet
You aren’t here either
How could God take
Both you and daddy away?
How was I suppose to know that
You guys were murdered?
I was too young to be burdened by
Such things that even the old and wise
Never have nor never will have to deal with.

I still sit around,
wondering when you guys will come
Walking through the door,
Laughing about some untold joke...
Just meant for you two to understand
But that day will never come.
~Kaitlin Platti~