At first sight, I had a crush on you.

You stood so straight and tall;

Your stride bespoke pride, as regal as an Egyptian princess.

In your eyes, lights danced, and changed,

Telling me you, like me, loved life.

Then, when I talked with you, what a pleasant prize!

To see the wheels of intelligence turning in those eyes,

Those beautiful eyes of yours.

And to hear intelligence, from your mind, wing to my heart with your words.

Those days still live in my mind and remembrance, like home-coming birds.

-----------------------

Yes, I was foolish enough to think, for a while,

I might win your love, your sweet romantic love—

Though I never was so foolish that I did not know

How far outside my league you were—and are—

As far away from me, with impossibility,

As the night sky’s brightest light-streaming star.

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But your mind, you see—

Your mind attracted me,

Even more than your imperial, statuesque beauty.

Your heart, too, spoke to me,

And resonated in my heart;

So I could not help but hope, however foolishly,

To have and hold you someday,

Maybe.

But, failing that, I yet had sure belief

That you and I would always, always,

Be friends: friends at the level of our deepest inner selves.

Friends at the level of our dearest values, and our highest ideals.

That, after all, has far greater worth,

Than anything else we can ever find,

In this world in which we walk about blind,

Before we go back into the earth.

-----------------------

That gracious gift I felt so sure to have,

I have had:

And that makes me grateful, and so very glad.

I always knew that you would always be,

In this mad world of ancient pain and primal pleasure,

Of honey-golden time that fleetly falls,

And bitter-sweetly drenches us with life and death—

As we go from love-guarded cradle into the abandoned grave—

That you would be, by brief human life’s best measures,

One of my life’s best and greatest treasures.

-----------------------

But I never knew how far I was going to fall.

I never guessed the early death-snare that lay in wait for me.

I never thought that, even before my death, I would be losing all.

Almost all:

Because I never lost you.

Your friendship remained and gained and grew.

My heart deeply felt

Your friendship was something I could count on as sure and true.

What I could not foresee was, that someday my friendship with you,

Would be the brightest star in the darkest sky that I ever knew.

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I am so afraid of the unknown that is coming for me.

I am fearful, too, about the pain that there is going to be.

Dying of cancer, like death by fire,

Has been my worst fear, a lifelong towering phobia.

For me, even the thought of cancer has always scared me,

And with fearful feelings overwhelmed me,

Too much for me even to imagine.

For me, it is the most fearsome, frightening way to die.

Now, in vast phobic proportions in my terrified heart,

It has become, unbelievably,

My reality.

It breaks my heart and shatters my mind,

As the days slide me toward this unstoppable doom,

And my precious loved life heads toward slow, painful cancer death.

-----------------------

Now I, who have always loved life so much,

Feel death’s grip—not a light touch—

But a choking stranglehold.

And to help me in my fear and despair,

You have been there.

I am so grateful to you; so grateful for you.

Thank you.  I love you. 

======================= 

Written by Michael LP, aka MLP
aka PoetWithCancer, aka PWC, aka Mr. Poet
Written on Friday, April 10, 2009  5:35 am
Temperature: 57 degrees F.  Winds: 3 MPH
Copyright © 2011 by Michael L.P.  All rights reserved.