And in all of this time that God was speaking I was never really listening

My mouth was moving and I heard things that I had apparently made up in

My haste to hear…

I had been judging others in ways that I would be damned had others judged of me

In that way

And now I am ashamed,

For I am everything that I condemn the world of being

A hypocrite,

Who dances alone because she is intolerable

And the truth is

I never meant to be this way…

But then again,

How many of us do?

And there I go again,

Standing high on my dissonance, bringing the world into my sins so that I may feel less corrupt

When all I really should be is alone

It seems that when I stopped using my body as a trade

I immortalized myself intangible

And now, as I sit here, I see things for the first time in a totally different way…

That because I shared my body freely, a lot of times senselessly, I felt that my self

Esteem had to go the way of my heart

But it was never about that

I only perceived it to be

It had everything to do with who I had told myself that I was

Or wasn’t or should be…

So I pray

“God , dear father, I ask you, what is it that you really want of me? I have done everything that I know to do is right, and yet I always end up alone, and confused, and broken, and lost.  I thought that if I followed your words you would make it all clear to me. God what more must I do when I am trying to give you everything already, and still yet there is so many other things to do?  How do you want me to act, in what ways should I carry myself?  How should I speak, how am I treating others that may be displeasing to you?  God I am so sad because it seems that the more that I try to get it right the more I get it wrong.  I do not have any more fancy words, and pleading only seems to me to annoy you.  Praying yields me to a silent God, and waiting leaves me anxious and yet waiting still.  Father, please show me who I really am, and that whatever I need to change to be good please show me.  God I ask of you this only because I want to be good and righteous before the Lord your God. Please help me Father, it is in Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.”