Don’t you know that I must have dreamed you up one thousand times?

I could almost guarantee that I resemble you in every way and I still don’t know who

You are

No, my DADDY…

…Not the monster that left me and my mother destitute…

I’m talking to you DADDY

My loving father

You’re the man that I dream…

Don’t you know that I chase you in every man I meet?

That I see you in every light

You are in the fragments of my every brokenness

Yes, you DADDY

…Of course the man who beat the hell out of my mother…

Who else could I be referring to, but you DADDY?

You left me…you were my first monster

And my first love all wrapped up in one

Thank you DADDY

You showed me that a man can leave me and pursue e all at the same time

Without you, how could I have known?

Yes of course, WITHOUT YOU IS HOW I LEARNED!

But this is not my DADDY,  this is the man that I knew

…NO, my DAD, the man I dream of

The man that I could never resemble

The one who read me story books and tucked me in at night

And called me his little princess and told me that I was the most beautiful little girl in the whole wide word

…and not because I was, but because I belonged to him, DADDY

My DADDY, the man who gave me a bandage when I fell off my bicycle

Or who came to my school for the father daughter dance

The one who called me his smoogle

Yes my DAD

You DADDY,

And it never really mattered much that we don’t at all look alike because this is the man that I dream of

My DADDY

You couldn’t be the man from my reality

You know the one who shattered my entire world before it ever really began?

No, not you, my DAD,

You DAD, the one who gave me to my second monster

And all of his loving was touching

Taking away the little girl that you left

DAD

No, not you, the real one…

Do you want me now?

Could you ever want me, huh?

Now that I’m no longer a virgin and at twenty three a mother without a father and every man loose ends of you…

Yes you DAD, the man who ruptured my heart

The man that I see in every crack of the pavement

Could you want me now, even after all of this?

But I guess it really isn’t relevant now because I don’t want you

I want my DADDY!

The real one

The one who showed me how to love and how to be loved by a man

That I won’t chase men who take my body and discard my heart and soul

DADDY where were you?

Damn, where are you?

No, not you DADDY, the fucking real one!

Because he’s the only man who can heal me

No teddy bear holding, thumb sucking, raggedy old blanket, imaginary friend, but you DAD

When on my wedding day, will I still be looking for you?

When a man hits me and all but knocks the wind from my chest will I see your face?
When I’m bent over, head down face in the pillow, will the man behind me love me, or just be the man I accept because he looks just like you DAD?

THE MEANEST FUCKING MAN I NEVER KNEW, BESIDES MONSTER NUMBER TWO,

And all of his love was TOUCHING!

And all of yours was LEAVING!

You are the bits and pieces of my every brokenness

Yes, you DAD

And you want to know the best thing?

It doesn’t even faze me that I look just like you…

Because, in my world, you never existed