Shedding

I lay here, awake and restless, unable to find sleep, because for me it is lost amid a place that is foreign to the consciousness of my mind.

My eyes won’t close, and my heart won’t open.

I promise that I wish that these words would dance across this tainted page more

 Eloquently.

But I think these stanzas enjoy my long lived, over written

Misery.

How can you truly find words to describe pain?

How is it even possible to lose everything, when there is nothing worth a win?

How can you find a savior when everyone around you is hurt?

I thought that I could find my measure by stirring love between my thighs.

I figured that I could expose myself, by giving my

 List.
But it’s like the hurricane said, your gorgeous and beautiful, but they never see it when they take you home.

I guess that’s why there is a lover sprawled out on the floor next to me, but I still feel empty and alone. 

I want death to show me his face, and then turn me back to life.

Show me the pain of lifelessness once more, than clean up this

Blood

This poison has slipped into my veins, and I doubt that this girl will ever be the same. 

Some man stole the innocence that should have been my choice to give 

I am shedding 

I am raw and exposed 

The unequivocal product of incest sins

He took my right to be a child, and I’m still fighting for her today.

When I cry, he is there standing behind me.

I’ve tried to outrun his touch, but the pain of his hurt always manages to erase me

Everyman that I see looks just like him. 

Even my loneliness resembles who with him I used to be.

Those nights I would yell out of the window, begging for a neighbor to hear, some soul to save me from those unwanted nights, that I tried to

Ignore

I hated that door with the lock that never seemed to

Work.

And the mother that I needed so badly to hear me cry, but she could never feel or hear my

 Hurt.

Those feet that would quietly come up the stairs, when I was in my room at night.

Those sheets that would come off of my

Body

The urge to want to get up, run, scream, and tell.

The outer body experience that left me paralyzed unable to do anything, but surrender to what would be ignored in the morning. 

This was our secret of the night

  I hated him for pretending to love me when he really saw me with lustful eyes. 

It wasn’t supposed to be that way.

I was just a child, now I’m a woman wearing the same torn tennis shoes, running empty

Miles.

Wanting to burn that bed that was an alter for what is now the sacrifice of my life. 

How many more nights will I cry?

Days and years have passed, time washed away in

Tears

Happiness for me is like a river polluted by the filth of man

But rage is a friend; an advocate, a blanket that keeps me

Warm

Everything that I used to be, all that I could have been has vanished into

Nothing

And by his hands I am slain

An innocent lamb led to her slaughter

His hands created demons that my soul can never purge

I am his empty measure

A black rainbow 

My feet are running, but I am going nowhere because my memories won’t allow me to escape

Him 

The first time was the worst time and I have been broken ever since

He brought in the dark what the time of day could never

Heal

I never thought that I would be that girl, wondering aimlessly, just searching for love, looking back on the child that could have been.

It’s all of those thoughts that make me mad.

But when I recollect these heartbreaking memories, try to undo all of those nights spent drowned in tears, I know who could have rewrote these chapters, his name was

Stepdad.