Insider

i have always meant to be
more than closed eyes can see
i surf through daylight
the morning caffeinated
subjective theory of life
my tears never felt wet
as if pushing regret
can make me feel something felt
and forgot
in the time i took to hate
the stranger that negates
my goodwill and morality
my wishful fealty
to abusive illusions of my own destiny
days in mirrors of my own mistakes
wishing for release and the magic
of elusive smoke
the gentle first toke...
drugs to enhance and distance
the pain in my past
i refuse to grasp it
holding something unreal
a danger to me and you
my acceptance mistaken for
youthful zeal
i get the appeal
the natural residual
individual devil
operate beneath the fake smiling
robotic intake of societys
disassembling bullshit machine
chuckling as moments turn
to memories and burn
and swill and swelter
from shop to shelter
and we dismember our paths
to how we got here
to how we pass unscathed
through minefields of flesh
and armorless love
and the push of others
who only know how to shove
walking in old pastures
knee high in shit
smelling committment and fear
aging as wine sits in cellars
sixty years to swallow
to pretend to hear
suck at nipples and whiskey and beer
never thought i might be here...
a forgotten soldier 
a man of tomorrow
schooled and discarded and loved
by ghosts and angels and reverends
catholic cold steel rails
my soul travels to hell
speed of a snail
lost in the breeze of another day
a better way to express
my life in a cage
free and  unfettered yet
full of fucking rage and the shortness
of my breath and my age
and the quickness i travel to each new theater
and the angst of every moment
when i meet her
and meet her
and get hit by this fucking meteor
passing into gaseous passion
hooking thumbs for some decadent star
my last bastion
before i get to where you are