Tears.

Putrid smell floods my nostrils

But hey it’s private.

I look under the stalls for feet.

Alone

Pace back and forth,

Back and forth

Try to breath slow.

It’s useless

My lungs long for air

New air to wash out the old

Clean out my blood

Of the oxygen of that moment

Even if it’s dirty bathroom air

Its private air

The privacy that i need.

Because even though i don’t want to

I know i am going to break

I know i am going to cry...

Hate that

I hate that I’m not strong

I hate that I’m broken

I’m damaged

I’m hurt.

I hate it.

I look in the mirror and my face is calm,

Flushed,

But calm.

My heart is otherwise occupied

It screams.

Makes me wince at my reflection

Makes me wince at that sound

The dull thud as the door shuts behind my privacy intruder

I see her

She sees me

And she can hear what i don’t say

'I need to be alone'

She hears me loud and clear

Not the type of voice detected by the ear

She chooses to ignore my signals

Chooses to stay

I only want her to go away

She will ask me what’s wrong

I know its coming

The second she opens her mouth

I can’t reply

Talking about it makes it more real

Washes it up to the surface

She locks my eyes through the mirror

I know she really cares

But i am not sure if i can give my trust

Not here

So i just say i have had a bad day

She nods

Looks hurt

She knows there’s something more

I know some things too

Know that i can’t hold it in long

So i say it

I’ve had a bad couple of days

Maybe weeks

Maybe even a few months.

Maybe I’m just a bad person overall

Maybe I’m not bad at all just lost

But i know one thing

One sobering truth

'I’m broken'

And i crumble

I take in one back stabbing breath

And i choke out a sob

I slap my hand over my mouth

Hope she didn’t hear

But even if she didn’t hear she can see

Mascara streams

Defying me discreet tears

Funny how vanity makes me wear it

Vanity makes me wish i wasn’t vain

I thought it was just a crumble

Just a hairline crack in my veneer

But the second the sob is out

I crash

My knees fail me

And i crumple to the floor

I cover my face and i know she’s there for me

But i just wish i was alone

Privacy

So i can bash in my head

And release all of my screaming emotions inside

But i can’t let her know how broken i am.

I hold on to the counter and try to stand

I slam shut Pandora’s Box

Keep it closed 

Lock it tight

Maybe i will open it all up tonight

Slice it awake with a straight line

Let it drip away

But that will have to wait

I need to pull myself together

Tell her I’m ok

Tell myself I’m ok

Keep this all inside

I make a point

Of erasing my mascara

The streaks that ruin my façade

Ruin the mask that i put on.

And i move on

Only, i don’t know how to get better

How to get away

But somehow i made it from then to today

And i am glad that i had a friend like you

To help me find my way