Fuzzy Sedation

Why so silent?
Why so solitary?
Why so anxious?
Why so cautionary?
Highly dedicated
To being heavily sedated
Self-medicated
Just so I can take it
Random outbursts
Of bubbling emotion
Try to numb myself first
Then go through the motions
Operating on auto-pilot
In my own zone
To escape thoughts so violent
In their color and tone
And I can't deny it
I'm becoming a drone
Isolation is imminent
In my head all alone
Lost all control
Reigns slipping through my fingers
Now I've been thrown
And this old pain just lingers
I try to evade it
I try to erase it
Attempt to elude it
While at the same time I chase it
Wanting the knowledge
Fearing the facts
Mental duplicity
Is how my brain reacts
So I sit here tranquilized
Yet not calm or serene
A momentary numbness
Floating inbetween
Awakened state and subconscious
Getting caught in a dream
My surface is glassy
While inside I scream
Go back to nothingness
Then explosion of anger
Fury and fire
Then choked up with despair
Not quite sure
Where to go from here
Everything feels fuzzy
Nothing is clear...