For a Child Who Didn't Die
I had loved you for years.
You were all my hopes and fears.
I didn't know your name or face
I just knew my heart always held your place.
I am grieving a loss that isn't total.
Miscarrying a pregnancy that was never feotal.
I spent a year prepping to be your mom.
But we miscarried you fourteen months along.
You were my last hope.
Now you're my final nail...
That floor slammed shut!
My mission: a total fail.
I found myself nesting
and building your room.
Just planned for fourteen
Not straight from the womb.
But you were thrice torn away
First with the cancer, then seizures,
I cried out maybe someday!!
You know, at God's leisure...
I surrendered to God;
Or so I had thought.
I felt His helping hands
In what we sought.
So many perfect timings
So much nail on the head.
Only for all this knowledge
And our dreams being dead.
Now we are childless
But not by a choice of our own.
God lead me on for a year.
Now we shall empty our home...
We will box you up
like grandma's old quilt.
Only to be found in three decades
And unveiled with an emotional jilt.
To grieve for a baby I never hold.
To cry for that beautiful nine year old.
To hate the thought of graduations' sea.
Two thousand smiling faces, none of them me.
Life milestones I will never get.
A million potentials never met.
I lost a child who wasn't even mine.
They say all wounds heal given time. . .
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