it is what it is not

i am not afraid of your words,
of your disconnectedness, of your icy
silences, your rage, your indecisiveness,
of offending you, of your lack
of insight, of your avoidance,
your hibernation, of you denying
yourself, of you denying me,
of wanting you, of not wanting you.

i am not afraid of loving, of not being attached,
of not being held (for who can hold
a winged creature), of your bitterness,
your hatred, your persnickety ways,
of allowing myself breathing room,
of you falling through the cracks.

i am not afraid of you walking, of the door
hitting you in the ass on the way out,
of the sky falling, of me falling, i am not
afraid of the sun scorching my skin,
of sand in my toes, of rocks in my shoes.

i am not afraid of gut-wrenching sobs cleansing
me of toxins, i am not afraid of your ego,
your one upping me, your insanity.

i am not afraid of your lack of self-control,
of your wordless conversations, of your lack
of awareness, of your temper, of you not knowing
how to be, of my mind expanding, of seeing
the grass for as green as it is here and now,
of noticing you, of you not noticing me.

i am not afraid of dreaming, of the truth,
of the wind huffing and puffing to blow
my house down, of glitches in the system,
of waiting, of finding a way, of wishing
there was more to it, of you thinking
there is something more, of thinking
there is something less, of your coldness,
of wondering, of admitting i who i am, of dying,
of living, of being out of control to be in control.

i am not afraid of you not understanding,
of your thoughtlessness, of your non-feelingness,
of you side-swiping me me with sharp tones,
of you not speaking to me, of being alone,
of keeping my enemies closer, of being 40,or 56,
or 83, of a long road, of a short pier, of thinking
it's worth the wait, of your indifference,
of your all-about-me attitude, of your depression,
of your mightier than thou thought process,
of knowing there is something better, of knowing i am good.

i am not afraid of your heart breaking,
of your aversion to change, of letting go
and letting God, of gaining wisdom, of feeling,
of dancing with the devil because he does a mean
tango, of singing with angels for they have great
harmony, of saying what i mean and meaning
what i say, of being honest, of caring,
of sensing your presence, of you running
away, of escape hatches, of ejection seats.

i am not afriad of cliches, of living in a tangled
web, of unraveling knots, of getting down and dirty,
of getting it out of my system, of boring you
with my ramblings, of you not being able to take
me as i am, of walking into the storm, of fighting
to keep my head above water, of being allergic
to you, of saying this has to end, of wanting
to cut loose, of being true to myself.

i am not afraid of you letting go, of being without,
of going within, of you not being in my life,
of disappearing acts, of enjoying the moment,
of knowing there is a reason for everything,
of realizing there is a meaning of life,
of knowing you don't get it, of seeing you for what
you are (and what you are not), of admitting
i was wrong, of stating the facts, of cutting
the ties that bind, of not thinking blood
is thicker than water, of being the one
to finally say enough is enough already.