the light above my head flickering
onoffonoffonoffonoff
to fast to really label when it is or isn't emitting a thin ray of yellow mist
like my mood
shifting under the flickering light
happysadangrysuicidalhungrynauseoushypertired
fighting for control of my thoughts
always fighting
everything and everybody
and my sides hurt and my stomache hurts
either because I ate at all
or the meagerness of the portion
I talk to my stomache like it's a child
like I'm a mental patient under the rapid flicker
"shh, now don't be so upset," a giggle escapes me then a tear
I want to yell at myself for the silliness of it all
"SHUT UP!" I grit through my teeth to my stomache
"we have to stop eating so much"
It growls like an upset toddler
I punch my thighs in the same manner
then I lean my head back and stare at the flickering light
and recite some poem about getting ready to give up
but I don't really hear myself speak
It's all a dull roar in my ears
I stare at the flickering engrossed
when I come to the outside is dark
my arm is bandaged
my blades scattered by the sink
wasn't I at school?
the bathroom light flickers then dies
leaving one small vanity light
illuminating my face
everything looks sadder like this
but the flickering has stopped
I feel calmer
no feeling fighting for top billing
no frantic onoffonoffonoffonoff
I put on long sleeve pajamas
pick up a book
and climb into bed
where my floor lamp begins to flicker
onoffonoffonoffonoff
and I'm suddenly freezing and burning up
I want to scream
I want punch the bulb so it shatters against the wall
"not..." I whisper "again..."