As the morning fades into the noon, here I sit wondering, reflecting

I have spent a night in regret and with a heavy shroud of guilt

I wish I would have never placed myself in such a horrible place last night.  I could have done better.  I should have done right.  But the choices I made, help me to understand that I will never be the man I can.  I will never excel, I will never achieve.  I will never understand the solemn moments of a lovers’ hair gracing my shoulder at the end of a day.  I can not ever be that man.  I can never make anyone proud.  I can never be happy.  I wear this heavy shroud.  But why do I disappear into the fog of the night, blinded by the fury of the masochistic delights?  Why should I ever expect anything more than what I ever put into my life.  Is this really the path I want to grace?  Living in the darkness and hiding my face?  Regret and shame.  This is not the first time I have ever felt the same feelings as I do now.  Why did I let myself go into the unhealthy abyss so deep since I let my soul venture to.  A point and a place.  My mark I hope to make.  But deep down do I want to get there?  Do I really want to achieve?  Do I really want to excel?  Or am I comfortable with the surroundings of my life’s soul jailed?  I can never be if I continue to make the bad choices.  My dreams will always be the dreams I have always had and will ever have.

It is time to do better.  It is time to do right.  I am good at helping others but now it is time for me to help myself.  My soul is black and oh so bleak.  The stains will never erase.  They will always be there.  The spots, the mars on a beautiful soul.   I am bound to find a way to make me whole.  This is the definition of truth.