Poem Critiques
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Poem CritiquesThis is a forum for posting your poems and requesting that people critique them, rather than leave generic comments. You can request they help you adjust your poem, help with grammar, fix spelling, structure problems, help you learn a new style of poetry, or really anything. |
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Re: Poem Critiquesthis sounds really interesting. |
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Re: Poem CritiquesCool this will be a big help for lots, hey I could use this sometimes. Thanks papa. |
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"Daddy Left" LET ME KNOW PLEASE!Daddy Left |
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Re: Poem CritiquesThank you RH for your honesty and you are most correct. I enjoyed yours as well, the description was well placed and made it much easier to "feel" the cold snow and "see" the clouds. Your usage of metaphors seems veteran. Kudos. |
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We Are Not AloneThere once was a boy who recieved a ball and glove |
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Re: Poem CritiquesYeah I want comments how to improve. |
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Re: Poem CritiquesMY ANGEL,MY MOTHER |
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Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by papapaczki This is a forum for posting your poems and requesting that people critique them, rather than leave generic comments. You can request they help you adjust your poem, help with grammar, fix spelling, structure problems, help you learn a new style of poetry, or really anything. -Papa Paczki  "The Man" green leaves! yellow leaves! brown leaves! that's the way man lives! |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by LGDisturb Thank you RH for your honesty and you are most correct. I enjoyed yours as well, the description was well placed and made it much easier to "feel" the cold snow and "see" the clouds. Your usage of metaphors seems veteran. Kudos. My only issue is your flow. The way you have lines broke down makes it more difficult to get into the rhythm of a four-line sonnet. Punctuation would quickly solve this for me at least. For example: "Where blue light illuminates The icy shaded darkness, I ask, where does this life end And the fabric of the next one begin?" CORRECTION; There is no such poetic genre as a "four-line sonnet". The sonnet( 0f Italian origin) invariably consists of fourteen lines. Each line normally contains not more than five iambic feet or ten syllables rhyming according to a pescribed scheme. Less than ten syallables may be accepted , but is not the norm. In the Skakespearian Sonnet, the rhyming scheme falls into three quatrain or four-line units and a concluding coupet as follows: abab cdcd efef gg. In the other type of sonnet called the Petrarchan Sonnet, the rhyming scheme is divided into one octaves ( of eight lines) and a sextet ( of six lines). The rhyming scheme is as follows: abba abba cdecde. The English Sonnet always ends in a couplet. Last edited by cousinsoren 09-30-2009 at 01:19:32 PM |
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viagra professionalHello! Last edited by cousinsoren 12-25-2016 at 07:49:00 PM |
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Words From A Woman Named WordI would appreciate all the feed back I can get. Thanks Last edited by mjonesword 09-30-2009 at 01:39:03 PM |
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FAMILYThrough life we hear stories -Families torn apart |
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Re: Re: "Daddy Left" LET ME KNOW PLEASE!Quote: Originally Posted by cousinsoren Originally Posted by LGDisturb Daddy Left My daddy left home, a long time ago He went somewhere, and said I couldn’t go Mommy cried, when he left for that place And before he left, he had tears on his face I don’t really know where Daddy went But I know his time is being well spent Daddy’s going to be awhile, before he’ll be home So I stay with mommy, so she’s not alone Sometimes I watch Mommy, but she doesn’t see That I can tell, when she misses Daddy I know Daddy misses us too while he’s away And I know for sure he’ll be home one day He made me a promise, the day he had to leave I was the only one that heard, and I believe He’ll be back one day, and never leave us again Then it’ll be me, Mommy, and Daddy again I have read this poem again and again, not because I am sentimental nor given to much emotion. I am neither. I have read it because of its almost childish simplicity, its perfect rhyming scheme, its metrical rhythm,,and its prosaic sincerity. It's a perfect little gem! thanks cousin, i appreciate the correction on the sonnet. i have no schooling, only what i see and comprehend and decide to be true or false. also, thanks for the praise on "Daddy Left". That particular poem means a great deal to me and is most definetly one of my favorites. it is good to hear that it is appreciated, even to those who do not understand, or care about its deeper meaning. thanks again, to every one who offers any constructive criticism ... or praise. LGDisturb 
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Re: Poem Critiquesthis is a fairly rough draft, any ideas on how to improve it would be greatly appreciated. i am learning so much from this site, especially this particular forum. thanks in advance. |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by LGDisturb this is a fairly rough draft, any ideas on how to improve it would be greatly appreciated. i am learning so much from this site, especially this particular forum. thanks in advance. The Angels Cry With no wind, what does one see? The grass holds steady as does the tree. Rain is everlasting, falling day and night Puttering gently, ending their flight All is so still, could this be a dream? Flags cannot flutter, laying wrinkled and unseen. Kites controlled by children cannot soar, And the waves cannot wash, footprints from the shore. Chimes do not ring, seeds are not sewn. Yet disaster cannot strike a family's home. Tornadoes cannot tear trees from the ground Hurricanes cannot flood, sirens do not sound The rain falls straight down, pattering pavement All seems well, almost Heaven sent Yet waves cannot crash the shore Chimes do not sing, flags flutter no more The wind doesn't blow, so kites cannot fly Maybe this is why, The Angels Cry LGDisturb L2-L4 this sounds like the grass, trees and rain are flying, but I think you mean only the rain. The pronoun "their" isn't specific. The grass holds steady as does the tree. Rain is everlasting, falling day and night Puttering gently, ending their flight Maybe (drops) end their flight? This might make it more specific. Just a thought. ----- Question (L5) how still is stillness? Is stillness any more still, by saying "so still" I don't think that the absence of sound can be decreased anymore at all, the pitch of stillness is the absence of sound. It looks like an unnecessary modifier. ----- This line is a winner to my heart (L7) (Kites controlled by children cannot soar,) ---- I wonder about the need of the reiteration of the word chimes between lines: L9 & L16. I really don't see the need for the reiteration in the poem in any way. Maybe another sound would carry the message better if it were related to the images at either point in the poem. flapped flags or the silence of seeds might add some sort of depth to your total poem image as would any other sound; a another sound might add more, rather than the reiteration. The repetition doesn't offer much. I think you have some space to be more creative there. ------- Nice poem: I like the intent of angels as a whole crying. What would the powerful teardrops of Seraphim, the mightiest of all angels, feel like? Would it burn your skin off like acid? You bring home an interesting point with your use of Tornadoes and Hurricanes in your angels crying theme. Nice write. Not all angels are the sweet teardrops of Cherubim. A poet friend RH Peat |
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Re: Poem CritiquesThis is a wonderful poem. I read it twice. It gave me a feeling of lost hope, of a lost world. I invisioned living on the Moon or Mars or somewhere. |
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Re: Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by RHPeat Originally Posted by LGDisturb this is a fairly rough draft, any ideas on how to improve it would be greatly appreciated. i am learning so much from this site, especially this particular forum. thanks in advance. The Angels Cry With no wind, what does one see? The grass holds steady as does the tree. Rain is everlasting, falling day and night Puttering gently, ending their flight All is so still, could this be a dream? Flags cannot flutter, laying wrinkled and unseen. Kites controlled by children cannot soar, And the waves cannot wash, footprints from the shore. Chimes do not ring, seeds are not sewn. Yet disaster cannot strike a family's home. Tornadoes cannot tear trees from the ground Hurricanes cannot flood, sirens do not sound The rain falls straight down, pattering pavement All seems well, almost Heaven sent Yet waves cannot crash the shore Chimes do not sing, flags flutter no more The wind doesn't blow, so kites cannot fly Maybe this is why, The Angels Cry LGDisturb L2-L4 this sounds like the grass, trees and rain are flying, but I think you mean only the rain. The pronoun "their" isn't specific. The grass holds steady as does the tree. Rain is everlasting, falling day and night Puttering gently, ending their flight Maybe (drops) end their flight? This might make it more specific. Just a thought. ----- Question (L5) how still is stillness? Is stillness any more still, by saying "so still" I don't think that the absence of sound can be decreased anymore at all, the pitch of stillness is the absence of sound. It looks like an unnecessary modifier. ----- This line is a winner to my heart (L7) (Kites controlled by children cannot soar,) ---- I wonder about the need of the reiteration of the word chimes between lines: L9 & L16. I really don't see the need for the reiteration in the poem in any way. Maybe another sound would carry the message better if it were related to the images at either point in the poem. flapped flags or the silence of seeds might add some sort of depth to your total poem image as would any other sound; a another sound might add more, rather than the reiteration. The repetition doesn't offer much. I think you have some space to be more creative there. ------- Nice poem: I like the intent of angels as a whole crying. What would the powerful teardrops of Seraphim, the mightiest of all angels, feel like? Would it burn your skin off like acid? You bring home an interesting point with your use of Tornadoes and Hurricanes in your angels crying theme. Nice write. Not all angels are the sweet teardrops of Cherubim. A poet friend RH Peat thank you RH, i found this very helpful. tho i must say in one line of defense. the usage of "so" was merely for rhythmatic purpose. i felt i could sacrifice a little grammatical error for a better flow. thank you again, very very helpful, as always. |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by gogant Hey LG, your poem, Daddy Left, hit a bitter chord of my heart. When I was 8 years old, my Dad left my mother and us three kids behind. You have a nice poem here, for sure…And, The Angels Cry, is likened to a song by Bobby Bare and his son. The title is, Daddy, What If. You will find it on You tube if you like. Your poem has more than this in my opinion………gogant  thank you gogant. always a warm feeling to know someone understands and/or appreciates my writing, however grammatically incorrect it may be. thanks for the encouragement. LG
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by LGDisturb Originally Posted by RHPeat Originally Posted by LGDisturb this is a fairly rough draft, any ideas on how to improve it would be greatly appreciated. i am learning so much from this site, especially this particular forum. thanks in advance. The Angels Cry With no wind, what does one see? The grass holds steady as does the tree. Rain is everlasting, falling day and night Puttering gently, ending their flight All is so still, could this be a dream? Flags cannot flutter, laying wrinkled and unseen. Kites controlled by children cannot soar, And the waves cannot wash, footprints from the shore. Chimes do not ring, seeds are not sewn. Yet disaster cannot strike a family's home. Tornadoes cannot tear trees from the ground Hurricanes cannot flood, sirens do not sound The rain falls straight down, pattering pavement All seems well, almost Heaven sent Yet waves cannot crash the shore Chimes do not sing, flags flutter no more The wind doesn't blow, so kites cannot fly Maybe this is why, The Angels Cry LGDisturb L2-L4 this sounds like the grass, trees and rain are flying, but I think you mean only the rain. The pronoun "their" isn't specific. The grass holds steady as does the tree. Rain is everlasting, falling day and night Puttering gently, ending their flight Maybe (drops) end their flight? This might make it more specific. Just a thought. ----- Question (L5) how still is stillness? Is stillness any more still, by saying "so still" I don't think that the absence of sound can be decreased anymore at all, the pitch of stillness is the absence of sound. It looks like an unnecessary modifier. ----- This line is a winner to my heart (L7) (Kites controlled by children cannot soar,) ---- I wonder about the need of the reiteration of the word chimes between lines: L9 & L16. I really don't see the need for the reiteration in the poem in any way. Maybe another sound would carry the message better if it were related to the images at either point in the poem. flapped flags or the silence of seeds might add some sort of depth to your total poem image as would any other sound; a another sound might add more, rather than the reiteration. The repetition doesn't offer much. I think you have some space to be more creative there. ------- Nice poem: I like the intent of angels as a whole crying. What would the powerful teardrops of Seraphim, the mightiest of all angels, feel like? Would it burn your skin off like acid? You bring home an interesting point with your use of Tornadoes and Hurricanes in your angels crying theme. Nice write. Not all angels are the sweet teardrops of Cherubim. A poet friend RH Peat thank you RH, i found this very helpful. tho i must say in one line of defense. the usage of "so" was merely for rhythmatic purpose. i felt i could sacrifice a little grammatical error for a better flow. thank you again, very very helpful, as always. LG Try a one syllable verb that offers some depth to the rest of your intent. I think you should be able to find one that works for you and adds more to your poem as well. That way you'll keep your rhythm and add to the contextual flow. Like held still or laid still, I'm sure you can find a verb that actually fits your needs within the poem and heightens the awareness that you want. Just do a little word search. A poet friend RH Peat |
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Why Can't WeI'd appreciate feedback thanks! This is one of my first pieces! Here it is: |
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Re: Poem CritiquesI'd Like Some HONEST OPINIONS on my poetry, anyone interested in helping me improve, please check out my page/poems and let me know what you think.... I'll return the favor to all who do |
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Re: Poem CritiquesOkay Marion, I'll take a look see. |
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Re: Poem CritiquesYeah, it's me again, Marion. I read your poem, HAZE, and left this comment... |
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Re: Poem CritiquesI'd love to get HONEST feedback for my poems. If anyone's interested, check out my page/poems. Let me know what you think, I'll return the favor smile thanks. |
A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. It finds the thought and the thought finds the words.
Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.