Poem Critiques
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by wolfinlove I'm hoping to have this poem critiqued and am willing to accept any and all constructive criticism. Thank You. Critique 4 Wolfinlove This is just a suggestion: Learn the cut the redundancies and other extra words out of your writing. If you introduce a concept it doesn’t need to be repeat unless for a specific purpose. Most of the time, it’s not needed at all. Be direct and to the point with your language. Make clear concise images. in the poem structure (X) means to cut/ (word) means words or word added to your text. Tonight there is no rush. (It’s) breezy; the air is cold and crisp -=-archaic use of language. (the) Smell (is) Refreshing! -=- make the language direct and to the point. You also had a shift in person, like an aside within the poem. Which works against your contextual flow. It would need an introduction which you don’t have. I really don’t think speaking to the reader directly in needed within this poem. It more descriptive in nature. Goosebumps arise. (X) (I) Stare across (X) this dark field, (X) to contrast (X) sky (X). -=- I’m not sure how a (sky) (alights). So I suggest cutting the word, or make you intent more obvious for the use of the word. (the) constellations (are) shown to -=-shift in verb tense/ you can’t see all the constellations at once. Some are on the other side of the planet. (have been) is past tense, when you have been speaking in present tense. My straining eyes of (dark blue); -=- (dark blue) is a misplaced modifier. Does it refer to the night sky or to you eyes? If it is the eyes (dark blue eyes) if it is the sky (in the dark blue) For they peer into a sky so vast and alive with light. -=- (sky) is redundant. We know you are looking into the sky. (I look into the vast, alive with light.) Direct language will move the reader to the point in question. I have nothing (X), nothing to wake for. In the morning, I (X) want to lie and wait For morning dew! -=- the word (only) isn’t needed in this line. You actually want to do two things (lie & wait). It is not an either or situation. And so... I do! (cut the line) -=- you have already placed the reader in your desires in the line above. This becomes redundant in the sense that restates the same thing as far as the context of the poem is concerned. With nothing but dew and morning light that await me, -=- this again is redundant. It is restating the same thing. (As the dew falls) -=- you need to state what the engagement is before the next line. This is a shift in the poem that is coming way to early in the structure of the poem. It moves the reader from what was expected to what is happening. I attend (the) adventurous engagement... I lie between two palms, (where) winds provoke a secret conversation. (their) words (are) Nature's secret language, (an) Undecipherable (X) beauty to embrace (they) sway and swish (in) language that amazes. (I) Close my eyes...(X) (to this) sound of bliss! (I) Open my eyes...what I have missed(?) A sky (artfully) lit and a (quality of) wonderment ensues, -=- This line begins to tell instead of show. You only need to show the art of light and the quality of wonderment. You don’t have to tell the reader it exists. (a sky lit with wonder ensues). This places the reader into the action of the scene instead of removing them at a distance to think about what is happening. It shows the reader your experience rather than telling them what to think. Watch out for adverbs and descriptive clauses that act like adjectives. They can overload a line or even a complete poem. As my (newly) (awakened) eyes adjust to the light -=- again the adverb misleads and tells rather than shows (my new eyes awaken and adjust to the light) is direct language with the exact concept. (new eyes awaken) It cuts the compound adjectives and makes (awaken) a verb which creates action in he line. (from the) stars that are staring and winking at me! -=- The active verb forms are stronger and maintain a reader in the action of the poem ( from the stars stare and wink at me) you cut the unneeded words and create two active verbs. I gaze upon (X) the constellations (ablaze in fiery) glory; -=- (ablaze in fiery) is redundant. Both speak of a flaming glory. You only need one or the other in the line. White fiery light hidden by Nature's natural camouflage. -=- here with the reiteration of fire again is more redundant wording. If you do reiterate; it should be for a specific reason that changes the intent of the reuse of the word through the metaphoric intent constructed in contextual flow within the complete poem. That’s the reason for reiteration in poetry other than musical devices like anaphora and refrains which also work reiterate within the contextual flow. I would suggest you try to combine these 2 lines into a single concept for the intent of your poem. This is a grand concept that needs to be in the poem but the redundant and reiteration are working against you intent of concept. It also makes the lines boring in presentation. I see this as your real tuning point in the poem. This is a shift of revelation. Much of what follows is telling the reader what to think rather than showing the reader what to see. The poem begins to tell you what you should feel rather than letting you actually feel the experience through the description of the event. The poem meanders from the intent of lying down looking up into the sky. The poem gets lost in itself while trying to explain itself. When it should only present what is necessary for the reader to have an epiphany. Allowing the reader to come to their own conclusion about the night sky. A poem gets weak when it has to be explained to the reader; it far better to allow the reader to figure things out for themselves. (There is a time of day when the bright light of a star hides these White fires of distant galaxies a-hidden by another's fury This one blazing luminary, (The highest point being at noon) disguises the beauty, which appeals to thine eye, Of theses thousands of thousands of blinking Night eyes! The power of nature t'is so divine! Why? Why? Does this Mother of Nature hide Her innumerable eyes of white diamonds? The amazing and powerfully beautiful, Other side of the coin, Mother Nature! As I awake, in a dew-soaked meadow, warmth And yellow light is falling upon me and this verdure; (Of which my slight body is hidden) The two palms have quieted their specious and Covert conversation, and Mother Nature's eyes Have been disguised, and so returns my Implacable anger of Nature's unremitting choice To hide the stars! The divine and unparalleled beauty of last night has Inspired a sense of perspicacity of what is the Night! For shame Mother! Nature Hide Your Dark Side Not! -=- I see this line as the real closure on the piece. It is a powerful statement that connects to both the opening and the turning point in the poem: (Inspired a sense of perspicacity of what is the Night!) It makes a point that is far stronger than the 2 lines that follow it, which I think could be cut. Well wolf, I hope I offered you something to think about. I don’t expect any compliance, agreement or even any real changes. My sole purpose is just to allow you to rethink your intention as it was seen through my eyes at your night sky. I believe that is what a critique is all about. Allowing you, the writer, to see what I (the reader) saw when I looked at what was on the page. Later. A poet friend RH Peat Last edited by RHPeat 12-03-2009 at 01:29:17 PM |
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Across the RoadThe orange, daisy Last edited by Paolo 12-04-2009 at 09:33:11 PM |
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Re: Across the RoadQuote: Originally Posted by Paolo The orange, daisy blooms, lean onto the road from the green leaf bank filled with grasshopper sounds Any thoughts on this? Paolo look good, Maybe an (s) on (leans). I love "grasshopper sounds" Wow! That's a good one. Wished I'd said that. 
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Re: Re: Across the RoadQuote: You are right the (s) on lean is better. Thank you so much for your comments. |
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Re: Re: Re: Across the RoadQuote: Originally Posted by Paolo Originally Posted by RHPeat Originally Posted by Paolo Across The Road The orange, daisy blooms, leans onto the road from the green leaf bank filled with grasshopper sounds Any thoughts on this? Paolo look good, Maybe an (s) on (leans). I love "grasshopper sounds" Wow! That's a good one. Wished I'd said that. You are right the (s) on lean is better. Thank you so much for your comments. Paolo Upon rereading it again: I'm wondering is it the (green-leafed bank) which is your intention or is it (Leans onto the road from the green leaf— bank filled with grasshopper sounds.) or maybe you want both issues. If it's the first intent: I'd say add the (ed) to (leaf) and hyphenate the two descriptive words to make them one word to modify (bank). If its the latter; I might suggest a break in the poem before the word (bank). To create more space in that intended separation. When I first read it. I saw the last three lines as an apostrophe modifying the edge of the road. But now I'm seeing it as an extension of the sound and light on the road. That the grasshoppers and the daisy are the extensions of the use of the road, pathway. Still the poem has this quality of being on the path of life as a personal awareness of both sound and sight found in that beauty of living. The enlivening of spirit through the course one chooses to make upon the path, roadway, etc. I really like the simplicity and the intent in the poem. It sings like a haiku, in that sense that it captures you into that moment upon the road both seeing and hearing the event of a spiritual presence and a personal awareness. I still think the phrase "grasshopper sounds" has got to be one of the greatest images I've read in a long while. Like who listens to a grasshopper's sounds. You have made us aware of how important the smallest things are, an what they can offer us each day. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole. It is quite beautiful. A grand write. The poem show how the use of a simple image can say so much. Your poem is like writing a novel about awareness connected to the spirit. Yet it is real just a simple and profound metaphor. That’s good writing. Thanxs for sharing. A poet friend// RH Peat Last edited by RHPeat 12-05-2009 at 01:59:35 PM |
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Across the RoadQuote: Originally Posted by RHPeat Originally Posted by Paolo Originally Posted by RHPeat Originally Posted by Paolo Across The Road The orange, daisy blooms, leans onto the road from the green leaf bank filled with grasshopper sounds Any thoughts on this? Paolo look good, Maybe an (s) on (leans). I love "grasshopper sounds" Wow! That's a good one. Wished I'd said that. You are right the (s) on lean is better. Thank you so much for your comments. Paolo Upon rereading it again: I'm wondering is it the (green-leafed bank) which is your intention or is it (Leans onto the road from the green leaf— bank filled with grasshopper sounds.) or maybe you want both issues. If it's the first intent: I'd say add the (ed) to (leaf) and hyphenate the two descriptive words to make them one word to modify (bank). If its the latter; I might suggest a break in the poem before the word (bank). To create more space in that intended separation. When I first read it. I saw the last three lines as an apostrophe modifying the edge of the road. But now I'm seeing it as an extension of the sound and light on the road. That the grasshoppers and the daisy are the extensions of the use of the road, pathway. Still the poem has this quality of being on the path of life as a personal awareness of both sound and sight found in that beauty of living. The enlivening of spirit through the course one chooses to make upon the path, roadway, etc. I really like the simplicity and the intent in the poem. It sings like a haiku, in that sense that it captures you into that moment upon the road both seeing and hearing the event of a spiritual presence and a personal awareness. I still think the phrase "grasshopper sounds" has got to be one of the greatest images I've read in a long while. Like who listens to a grasshopper's sounds. You have made us aware of how important the smallest things are, an what they can offer us each day. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole. It is quite beautiful. A grand write. The poem show how the use of a simple image can say so much. Your poem is like writing a novel about awareness connected to the spirit. Yet it is real just a simple and profound metaphor. That’s good writing. Thanxs for sharing. A poet friend// RH Peat I am so happy that you have read this work again. Many read my word and they are lost on them, they typically want more. In my thinking it is just enough. My thinking is also that if the reader fills in the blank spaces then the poem will be more apparent to them. 15 years ago a friend of mine lost a lung to cancer and as I grew up on a farm I offered to work his small farm for the summer. He grew flowers, had a flock of chickens and fields that needed to be cut. I lived in a small house on the property and I was blessed in being able to help my friend, was able to return to the place I grew from, nature and solitude. It was three months of shear joy for me and in my mind, spirit, the images of farm life and things like grasshopper sounds. You are truly a good friend and mentor. Paolo Last edited by Paolo 12-07-2009 at 11:52:28 AM |
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Across the Road[quote="Paolo" |
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Re: Poem CritiquesCat Tracks |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by Paolo Cat Tracks The blown, white snow wraps in embrace around a green plank porch waiting for the golden cat's prints What a wonderful twist on the thing here. You have the snow stalking the cat. Many times it is our illusive actions that cause unforeseen events. Where do we go from here? What a grand poem. Paolo this poem needs nothing. I could contemplate it for hours, days weeks. a poet friend RH Peat |
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Re: Poem CritiquesRH, Poalo, can you give me anything before i post this? sure would appreciate it! thanks guys! |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by LGDisturb RH, Poalo, can you give me anything before i post this? sure would appreciate it! thanks guys! LG THE HUNT You see day and I see night I’ve got a lust for sin All is well, all is right And here I come again Eyes so black and a heart the same Dark is when I walk With my eyes on a lovely dame She is who I stalk Wait so close, make no sound Silently malicious Tattered clothes, which I found From victims so delicious Decades of hunt made me strong Joy comes in pain Flesh the same, it’s been so long Since innocence I’ve slain  Actually I think the music, form and metaphor are all pretty strong in the poem. The negative presentation might cause some to back away a bit. My biggest question there is can innocence really be slain. If the infinite exists then of course innocence too would be infinite to man. For a part would always be unknown, where innocence would reside. So no matter how much you think you know, you can never know it all, because of the infinite concept. The finite on the other hand is another question, which also leads to the infinite in strange ways. In the sense of cosmology. All you have to do is look at some of the images taken from the Hubble Telescope. No doubt about it; it's a big universe and ever expanding. To think, you know it all, is absurd. And that's where the poem takes me through the Identity within the presentation. It would make more sense in that respect to kill one's self to attempt to escape from innocence because of its bent consciousness on killing anything. For to kill innocence is unobtainable even within the self. So the idea of the poem is not a bad concept for a poem at all: to question what is innocence. For the greater flaw in the concept of killing innocence within the self is beyond reach. For the concept from a spiritual point of view is that we are already immortal. For all spiritual literature (across all fields even including Hindu and Buddhist) states that the soul is immortal and can't be killed at all. It sounds like you have been watching a lot of (criminal mind) of TV. Nonetheless, It's an interesting poem for sure; in that it makes one question what innocence really is. a poet friend RH Peat Last edited by RHPeat 12-10-2009 at 02:40:12 PM |
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Re: Poem CritiquesWould like some feed-back on my latest poem: "2 Ten AM" — you know, the basic critique: grammar, spelling, punctuation, meter, flow, feeling, message, clarity, access for the reader, creativity, structure—have I missed anything? |
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Re: Poem CritiquesWould like some feed-back on my latest poem: "2 Ten AM" — you know, the basic critique: grammar, spelling, punctuation, meter, flow, feeling, message, clarity, access for the reader, creativity, structure—have I missed anything? Last edited by dahlusion 12-10-2009 at 06:21:32 PM |
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Re: Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by RHPeat Originally Posted by LGDisturb RH, Poalo, can you give me anything before i post this? sure would appreciate it! thanks guys! LG THE HUNT You see day and I see night I’ve got a lust for sin All is well, all is right And here I come again Eyes so black and a heart the same Dark is when I walk With my eyes on a lovely dame She is who I stalk Wait so close, make no sound Silently malicious Tattered clothes, which I found From victims so delicious Decades of hunt made me strong Joy comes in pain Flesh the same, it’s been so long Since innocence I’ve slain Actually I think the music, form and metaphor are all pretty strong in the poem. The negative presentation might cause some to back away a bit. My biggest question there is can innocence really be slain. If the infinite exists then of course innocence too would be infinite to man. For a part would always be unknown, where innocence would reside. So no matter how much you think you know, you can never know it all, because of the infinite concept. The finite on the other hand is another question, which also leads to the infinite in strange ways. In the sense of cosmology. All you have to do is look at some of the images taken from the Hubble Telescope. No doubt about it; it's a big universe and ever expanding. To think, you know it all, is absurd. And that's where the poem takes me through the Identity within the presentation. It would make more sense in that respect to kill one's self to attempt to escape from innocence because of its bent consciousness on killing anything. For to kill innocence is unobtainable even within the self. So the idea of the poem is not a bad concept for a poem at all: to question what is innocence. For the greater flaw in the concept of killing innocence within the self is beyond reach. For the concept from a spiritual point of view is that we are already immortal. For all spiritual literature (across all fields even including Hindu and Buddhist) states that the soul is immortal and can't be killed at all. It sounds like you have been watching a lot of (criminal mind) of TV. Nonetheless, It's an interesting poem for sure; in that it makes one question what innocence really is. a poet friend RH Peat RH, well thank you for the philosophy indeed! i have a solution: flesh the same, its been so long since an innocent i've slain my idea was not to slay innocence the abstract so you are absolutely correct. thank you much. i will post it (with edit) immediately! LG
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Re: Poem CritiquesTime wasted Last edited by optimistic 12-11-2009 at 01:14:48 PM |
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Re: Poem CritiquesFall |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by LGDisturb RH, Poalo, can you give me anything before i post this? sure would appreciate it! thanks guys! LG THE HUNT You see day and I see night I’ve got a lust for sin All is well, all is right And here I come again Eyes so black and a heart the same Dark is when I walk With my eyes on a lovely dame She is who I stalk Wait so close, make no sound Silently malicious Tattered clothes, which I found From victims so delicious Decades of hunt made me strong Joy comes in pain Flesh the same, it’s been so long Since innocence I’ve slain I am working to get this work critiqued now. I am hoping to be done soon. Paolo |
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a spin for PaoloPaolo, |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by LGDisturb RH, Poalo, can you give me anything before i post this? sure would appreciate it! thanks guys! LG THE HUNT You see day and I see night I’ve got a lust for sin All is well, all is right And here I come again Eyes so black and a heart the same Dark is when I walk With my eyes on a lovely dame She is who I stalk Wait so close, make no sound Silently malicious Tattered clothes, which I found From victims so delicious Decades of hunt made me strong Joy comes in pain Flesh the same, it’s been so long Since innocence I’ve slain I am sorry this took so long, I wanted to do your work the justice of careful thought I find your work and its style interesting here. This work sings as if in a old Norse voice. While it is my belief that it is your intent that it be dark, it is also my belief that the contrast you begin with, “You see day …I see night” sets the tone. From that statement on we are shown the dark side. Associations that are apparent, “lust/sin” would fail were it not for the use of the statement, “I’ve got a lust for sin”. We then see, “All is well, all is right” then offered, “Here I come again” foreboding some event, yet a warning; “Eyes so black…a heart the same” then “She is who I stalk.” The rest of the work is a warning to those who have joy as the voice intends to turn to pain where ever Joy is found and pronounces that it has slain innocence. I’ve known innocence slain and having known that you might believe that one would not be surprised by that statement, yet having witnessed innocence slain is much different than being shown its death as we are shown here. The only suggestion I would have for you is that use the word “and” sparingly and it will tighten up the poem nicely. In all I like the darkness of the poem, it is quiet a unique take. |
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Re: Poem CritiquesIf anyone has any thought to improve, please let me know. |
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Re: a spin for PaoloBelow you will find some observations on The Stalking. I feel that this is a finely crafted work. You have woven three threads throughout the body of this work; The terror of a beast much stronger than, more cunning and deliberate than the reader. Even the physical characteristics are frightening. There then is the thread of peace, joy and fragility and strength of purpose. Lastly we see the presence of God working consistently and almost quietly. You have been able to weave in this work a parable of sorts. We are also taught that even as we are bound to books and the work of them that we should not put these efforts before the care of our youth as the Junco worked bravely to care for their youth. Quote:
Originally Posted by 1dean Paolo, a different spin for your review. The Stalking Ponderous and powerful the grizzly moves its mass as whole trees yield to its might, as its paws swipe through the thickets, as its jaws, heavy with teeth snap and snarl at the wind that carries your scent to its dark nostrils – yet, you walk in the sprinkling of sunlight through the forest where fern and flower bloom radiantly, while peace covers you like a heavenly blossom in a garden of joy. The first section perfectly creates in the readers mind the strength, size, place and prominence of the Grizzly and also the reader is placed in a place of peace, respect and joy shared with the bear. Excellent work. To dedicate your life to an art form to live the pain of so many, many years – then, to let the Lord Almighty take your hand and deliver you to peace and to joy. As it is written: “Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.” (Ecclesiastes 12:12) In this section the voice is informing the reader that he has been dedicated to a goodly number of years to his art. We learn that this has been at a cost, this dedication, pain. Yet there appears to be redemption in embracing what is said in Ecclesiastes 12:12, that the pursuit of books and creating them is never ending and that one should be aware of this and remember one’s self to take time for a foray into the gardens of joy such as the first part. Busy in their flight for food for family, the little juncos dart across the green canopy, their efforts rewarded by a brood of nestlings fragile in their lie, as you recline upon a knoll listening to their twitter watching their flit, and the sun round and golden, speaks with warmth in deep sweeps of silence – yet, the grizzly bristles across the bush brutal in its tracks toward your scent. In this section we see the Junco with its dark eye on the mouths of the brood as the reader is peacefully and observantly watching the Junco caring for, without fatigue, the brood. The reader is taking note of the sun and the quiet of this glen. We are then given a warning that while this beautiful moment can be enjoyed one must also recall that the grizzly is still brutal and occupied with the scent of you. It is that there never is a step in your journey through this life that you were ever alone or forsaken because the Lord was protecting you from the wilds of the world. As it is written: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.” (Psalm 46: 1) We are reminded that though the grizzly still pursues the scent of the reader, we are also shown that we are held in good stead because the grace of God, is ever present with us and that we have no reason to be filled with fear, despite the danger that may be with us. Approaching ever so closely the grizzly stood on its hind legs thrashed about in the brush disturbing the juncos which attacked the grizzly’s eyes, pecked them out in a fury of flurries, as blood streamed down the grizzly’s face, as the juncos’ frenzy blinded the grizzly, and you stirred, alarmed at the terror a hand breath away – yet, the grizzly’s jagged jaws snapped blindly as it was consumed by its own darkness laced with the taste of its own blood. We are shown the behavior of the bear that can truly be fearful but is not fearful for the bear. Yet, the little Junco in it’s bravery that springs from care for it’s children and while the reader may be alarmed at the situation with the bear. You are close to the anger and fear the bear feels at being routed by such a thing as a Junco. Though we see that the bear is blind by its furry and darkness. Although the world wages a ruthless war against you with fires in torrents of terror, sing praises to our Mighty God with thanks and rejoice in His bountiful blessings. As it is written: “The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.” (Proverbs 13:14) We are offered in the above that even in the ruthless war against us not matter the fires and torrents of terror that the singing of praises is wisdom becoming as fountain of life giving safety from danger. Not long thereafter, you shall return to that knoll in the forest as the sunlight spreads softness through the green as the juncos flit about still feeding their young as the land awakens with life and joy – yet, not too far away the carcass of the grizzly lies motionless in its death, as flies crawl through the hollows of its eyes, as maggots fill its belly, and you shall know once again that the Lord is with you. We are returned to the place where we had begun. Things, mostly, appear the same, there is the warm sun and the dark eyed Juncos are at work feeding their children and joy is abundant…except for he who brought danger and fear to this place, the evil one displaced for the Lord is with us. We are finally offered that we are charged with the care and assisting those who are younger to teach them as this is preferred as one day they maybe as the Junco protecting us as the Lord would desire of us. As it is written: “Then Samuel said, ‘Speak, for your servant is listening.’” (1st Samuel 3:10) And Eli, perceiving that it was the voice of God that Samuel heard, instructed him what to say. Though it came as disgrace to Eli, for God’s call to be directed to Samuel, yet he told him how to meet it. Thus the elder should do their utmost to assist and improve the younger that are rising up. Let us never fail to teach those who are coming after us, even such as will soon be preferred before us. |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by RHPeat If anyone has any thought to improve, please let me know. a poet friend RH Peat The Flood Within You This pressure pressed against your heart will take that part unknown to build a bridge beyond; unlocked, the gates will widen what was pawned inside the dark— confined too firm. You’ll make the levee long and high that’ll come to break within the flood to hold that wider bond. And there enclosed by deluge you’ll respond to place that’s leveled current for your sake. You’ll listen for the song, and not be sure that you hear it. You’ll listen deep within but you won’t feel the wind that blows across the flooded land. You’ll find a place so pure it’s painful to endure that dross therein to note what’s overturned herein that loss. © RH Peat 12/ 17/ 09 5:55pm Form Petrarchan Sonnet/ abbaabba cdecde 2 strophes / 14 lines/ written in 2ed person The Petrarchan is perhaps the greatest conveyance of the emotions surrounding unattainable love. Here we find that something of the heart has been placed under such duress that another element is, unknown, to the reader. This unknown, or desire, has been so constrained that it becomes a bond, a strong, expansive bond that is more like a levee. As we know and he sonnet shows us that levee’s are not without weakness. We men believe in our ability to keep water at bay and often are foolish enough to believe our creations may also be able to keep other things at bay. Yet, water as we see, will find its own level and we are there, “enclosed by deluge”. Knowing that the true course of water or one’s love, might be uncomfortable, it is honest. In stanza two we are told that the song that one listens for may not be the one wished heard. In our deepest desire to hear what we wish we are left unfulfilled and the “flooded land” offers only that the place we find ourselves is so, “pure” in it’s want that “it’s painful to endure”. In the end it is not without noting that in all our cleverness we are found, “overturned” and at a loss. In this sonnet we are not told, nor need be told, the object of the this loss, only the unattainable is of importance. Pain is enough to reveal to us that it was a deep affection, an affection that the wind blew easily across a barren landscape where the word amore is so completely absent that it goes unmentioned. While most in these modern times may not appreciate this kind of work, I do not find myself as part of that population. This is expert and skilled work that conveys very well the sense of the unattainable. Your friend, Paolo |
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Re: Re: Re: Poem CritiquesMy dear friend Quote:
Originally Posted by Paolo Originally Posted by RHPeat If anyone has any thought to improve, please let me know. a poet friend RH Peat The Flood Within You This pressure pressed against your heart will take that part unknown to build a bridge beyond; unlocked, the gates will widen what was pawned inside the dark— confined too firm. You’ll make the levee long and high that’ll come to break within the flood to hold that wider bond. And there enclosed by deluge you’ll respond to place that’s leveled current for your sake. You’ll listen for the song, and not be sure that you hear it. You’ll listen deep within but you won’t feel the wind that blows across the flooded land. You’ll find a place so pure it’s painful to endure that dross therein to note what’s overturned herein that loss. © RH Peat 12/ 17/ 09 5:55pm Form Petrarchan Sonnet/ abbaabba cdecde 2 strophes / 14 lines/ written in 2ed person The Petrarchan is perhaps the greatest conveyance of the emotions surrounding unattainable love. Here we find that something of the heart has been placed under such duress that another element is, unknown, to the reader. This unknown, or desire, has been so constrained that it becomes a bond, a strong, expansive bond that is more like a levee. As we know and he sonnet shows us that levee’s are not without weakness. We men believe in our ability to keep water at bay and often are foolish enough to believe our creations may also be able to keep other things at bay. Yet, water as we see, will find its own level and we are there, “enclosed by deluge”. Knowing that the true course of water or one’s love, might be uncomfortable, it is honest. In stanza two we are told that the song that one listens for may not be the one wished heard. In our deepest desire to hear what we wish we are left unfulfilled and the “flooded land” offers only that the place we find ourselves is so, “pure” in it’s want that “it’s painful to endure”. In the end it is not without noting that in all our cleverness we are found, “overturned” and at a loss. In this sonnet we are not told, nor need be told, the object of the this loss, only the unattainable is of importance. Pain is enough to reveal to us that it was a deep affection, an affection that the wind blew easily across a barren landscape where the word amore is so completely absent that it goes unmentioned. While most in these modern times may not appreciate this kind of work, I do not find myself as part of that population. This is expert and skilled work that conveys very well the sense of the unattainable. Your friend, Paolo |
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Re: Poem CritiquesI am fairly new on this website and I was hoping someone could critique my poem. Thanks, Tiffany |
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Re: Re: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by tiffanyk I am fairly new on this website and I was hoping someone could critique my poem. Thanks, Tiffany I am a mirror. I throw back images not realizing the consequences. With trials of the poison’s vials. Is beauty so precious to one that someone would have done? Or personality matters to one that absolutely nothing is done, And perhaps a person’s heart is won. Once you set-up the metaphor use it to enlighten and heighten the depth of your intent in the poem. You are a mirror. Make the next line follow with the intent of a mirror. Your line: I am a mirror.// I throw back images not realizing the consequences. Example: I am a mirror.// I throw back images not recognizing my (reflections, presentations, impressions, appearance, expressions, persona, looks, aura, likeness, double, copy, visions, etc.) your choices should be directed to your intent in the poem. (there is no period needed after this statement because the following line is a prepositional phrase and not a compete sentence. Just let the thought of the line run through into the next line to end with a period.) With trials of the poison’s vials. (this line is a bit confusing because you haven't mentioned poison vials in the poem before this so the reader is questioning, What poison vials? It is due to the fact that you introduced the vials as a reference of some kind.) Maybe the better preposition would be (from, inside or like poison vials.) Is beauty so precious to one that someone would have done? (This question leaves a question in my mind: someone would have done what? In the sense the question appears incomplete. I'm left questioning what the intent in the line is. It's confusing in presentation as a question. ) (is beauty so precious that something should be done?) might be the intent but I'm not sure because I am left still trying to figure out what the "someone" refers to? It is a very confusing line to me. The rhythm is awkward in presentation. Or personality matters to one that absolutely nothing is done, Again the presentation is awkward to me: maybe you mean: (or is personality of more concern that nothing is done? ) (And perhaps) a person’s heart is won. In your closing line here (and perhaps) is a bit wishy-washy in the line. Make the direct statement. (a person's heart is won.) If you want to make a believer out of the reader don't make the closing line doubtful. Hold the reader to the intent within the line. It is a short poem but very complex. I find the language obtrusive in a way that makes the poem more difficult to understand, than it needs to be. The poem would have become stronger in its closure if you had included something about the mirror within the last line. It would have brought more closure on the poem. I'm not sure at all how the vials of poison enter into the poem at all. It seems much has been excluded from the poem that is vital to its understanding. I think that you should try to tie the poison to the mirror in some way that can be used in the following lines to help suggest a connection in some way. Well I hope I gave you something to think about for your rewrite. Good luck. Keep writing. a poet friend RH Peat Last edited by RHPeat 12-28-2009 at 08:53:46 PM |
Poetry is what gets lost in translation.
Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.