RE: Poem Critiques

On so many summer, Sundays
I've watched some, well groomed,
high heeled, polyester lady,
toting cake, go swimming.

Last edited by Paolo 12-31-2009 at 08:34:13 PM

RE: Poem Critiques

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All Blog PostsMy BlogEdit Blog PostsAdd a Blog Post I LOVE ALL OF YOU! WHAT A 2010 PREVIEW HUH?Posted by Jacqueline R. Mendoza on December 31, 2009 at 12:08pm
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Delete Post Edit Blog Posts I JUST WROTE THIS 10-20 MINUTES AGO...

"Ms. Jessica, associate of Dr. Phil's show, I just got home from Catholic Church. I told God [Master], I don't want to anymore, then calling my pastor then he was the priest earlier... According from his homily, "Do not stop" informing people the truth so I cried since last night after I wrote what you will read from Mary's Bridge below."

I'm informing her because she was asking more info...

HAPPY 2010 EVERYONE AND I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!
Tags: FYI...

Comment by Jacqueline R. Mendoza 32 minutes ago. GOD OR MASTER wants everyone to have free will because whatever we chose can either give or not give us salvation when we go to everlasting life, wait for what I took out from my birthday gift last 2006, the bestest gift of all, Catholic Bible.
*
I think America is the heart of earth but since there's a lot of outside church, it is sick and has a seizure. Now every seizure attacks are each of the generic Christians, get it?

CHURCH AUTOMATICALLY MEANS CATHOLIC CHURCH

God or Master, I thank You for the start of achieving my wish before the year of 2010... to knock the conscience of my friends in Mary's Bridge. I know there's more people that I have to inform for the truth and I'll have more challenges. I'm sorry that I almost gave up. I lost grip on the thought that Your side is the most powerful but often times the demons beside each people's are taking over them that create problems in their lives. They don't know how great happiness it is to love you, embrace Your Church. Comment by Jacqueline R. Mendoza 2 hours

Comment to DUDE! Thank You, I had watery eyes... I would not stop even all of you get mad at me, I still love you and hope to change (his/her) your mind

really. Comment by Mary A. Eaton 2 hours ago Delete Comment God Bless you brothers and sisters! Peace and Love, Mary


Comment "Do not stop" informing people the truth ......
This sums it all up nicely --

Powerful people believe that regular folks can't handle the truth - maybe they are right --

for me -- i need to know -- and i don't like it when we are lied to ---

i hope god or the gods the the powerful people the truth and then order them to tell the rest of us the truth -- if thats the flow of information- then - please god -let us out of the darkness-- truth in too few hands is dangerous -
no groups should have a monopoly on the truth ---not in a free society - or waht we are told is a free society where the word of god is invoked in its creation , symbols, and currency - in god we trust - so that means by default - in america we trust -- right ???????????

Comment by Mary A. Eaton 5 hours ago God Bless You for that Jacqueline!

Comment by Jacqueline R. Mendoza 5 hours ago Delete Comment THANK YOU and I'm sorry our God or our Master does not want me to stop telling people the truth and I want to save ALL OF YOU!

Comment by Shannon Boden 6 hours ago Delete Comment I wish you a very Happy New Year Jacqueline, many blessings, Shannie

Comment by Jacqueline R. Mendoza 6 hours ago THANK you Ms. Mary and I am working really hard to accomplish my wishes...

Comment by Mary A. Eaton 6 hours ago Delete Comment Happy New Year Jacqueline, I wish you a very warm and prosperous New Year. Thank you for your well wishes to everyone on Mary's Bridge. May all your hopes and dreams come true in 2010. Peace, Love and Joy, Mary

PLS. EMAIL ME OF WHAT YOU THINK jack51712@yahoo.com... THANKS

RE: Poem Critiques

Quote:

Originally Posted by "papapaczki"

This is a forum for posting your poems and requesting that people critique them, rather than leave generic comments. You can request they help you adjust your poem, help with grammar, fix spelling, structure problems, help you learn a new style of poetry, or really anything.

-Papa Paczki

RE: We Are Not Alone

I for the most part liked this piece. The flow ends at " He ask as he sat down". The boy replied," I have nobody, not a single one". This is where the flow ends. God and Jesus should always be used in capitol letters like He, not he. Now watch the change in the flow.,He ask as He sat down. "The boy replied" I have nobody around". The man replied I am here my son".See how the flow get's back into line? I hope I helped a little? Songmanpoet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by "Amethyst1980"

There once was a boy who recieved a ball and glove
The gift said,"Hope you like it" from us with love.
Everyone is gone, who will he show;
no mommy to catch and no daddy to throw
Then one day a man walked by,
He saw the tears in the little boys eyes
"Why the long frown?", he asked as he sat down
The boy replied,"I have nobody, not a single one."
The man replied,"I am here now, son."
That man was Jesus, and what do you know;
It just goes to show that we are not alone.


I would like to get some ideas on how to make this poem sound better. I feel the flow is off. I wrote this poem back in 2005. I had just started writing then. Please any constructive criticism is accepted.

RE: Poem Critiques

"common sense is My Savior"

O sweet light, covering my divine body,
invisible, blinding, returning me to
my original self, raw and powerful.


(read complete poem at dahlusion)

Peace and Light,
Dah

RE: Poem Critiques

Feedback?

A Mulish Education


Aunt Lucy understands about the philly giving birth,
And is painfully familiar with the tilling of the earth;
She's an accomplished virtuouso with any plow or tool,
But has a special fondness for her narcissistic mule.

Her farm dots the village to Fatima's holy shrine,
A few barnyard beasties are seen at any given time;
Aunt Lucy's reputation as a weak brained doting fool,
Was further given credance by her narcissistic mule.

She worships solar god, rising early every day,
Taking frequent pilgrimages several days away;
Makes provision for her beasties, as customary rule,
But there's no one to look after her narcissistic mule!

To Aunt Lucy this presents itself as problematic need,
Since the burro is accustomed to his massive daily feed;
So consulting with the sun god, she finally finds a way,
To assure her darling beastie eats his portion for the day.

So she sets about constructing a trough with tender care,
So the donkey can partake of his generous daily share;
Seven portions of special hay, set in virgin steely trays,
Anticipates her journey will last at least for seven days.

But mules can't discern differences in days of the week,
As human ingenuity can't match their logic, so to speak;
Special mulish learning, in special mulish school,
A donkey's education for the narcissistic mule!

A rather simple calender that is mulish and ever crude,
Since the beastie's waking hours are devoted to his food;
An entire week of vittles stuffed in that mulish face,
As narcissistic mule is self-engorged at record pace.

As he finally gets to Friday's very generous repast,
The narcissistic mule at once lies down and breathes his last;
The gas and constipation have steadily gotten worse,
As the bulbous little beastie overeats until he's burst.

Be it donkey, ass, mule or by any other name,
The beastie's daily calender and our's is not the same;
This we learn from mulish lessons taught in mulish school,
With our deceased, gluttonous teacher, the narcissistic mule!

RE: MULISH EDUCATION...

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS TO BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELVES.

I am here as one of the three Catholic servants of God and will soon inform everyone about the fullness of the truth and it is up to you to save yourselves... a lot of people thinks we're all crazy because they do not understand, not have faith or a very strong faith. I do hope my wish for all of us be born in everlasting life when we all die.

I am doing the research of different religions where Muslim started on 7th century by prophet Muhummad and has a daughter named Fati ma. I am very concerned with the Muslims because some of them are my friends and they don't know the truth.

My soul visited the purgatory and Sacred Heart of Jesus was standing where the people are crying and asking God, why did He not do anything.

He answered "I GAVE YOU FREE WILL", I intruded and volunteered to let the people who are living hear the truth and then they are free to do what they want. It needs to be specific for them to understand. Now, I'm suspended from Mary's Bridge for telling them the truth. I'm sorry because it is not their/your fault, it is their founder's fault and sorry to say they're all in the purgatory right now. All people are required to listen from Jesus Christ because sometime in 2nd century, the Father's Voice spoke to the people saying "DO NOT LISTEN TO OTHER MEN AND ONLY LISTEN TO JESUS CHRIST, THE MESSIAH AND THE ONE I SENT". It is also included to receive the 7 Sacraments or the law of the Church, where Confession is very imperative to follow.

The true Christian is Catholic or Roman Catholic and other Christians are generic like Prozac is a generic anti-deppressant and Wellbutrin is the authentic one just like Roman Catholic.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME FOR ANYTHING YOU WANT.

I looked at the definition of Mulish and it's a stubborn mule.

I'm sorry but there is only one God... the Father, Yahweh and the Son Jesus Christ... so the "Son God" is the Father, the Son and the Holy Trinity.

You mentioned Fatima Shrine and we have Our Lady of Fatima when an apparition on 1917 at a tiny Portugese village where Blessed Virgin Mary appeared repeatedly to three young shepherds with a message for the world.

That's all folks... jack51712@yahoo.com

RE: RE: MULISH EDUCATION...

RE: Poem Critiques

An Economics Lesson

Alberto the dog promises
to teach me about
economics today;
As he approaches
horrified fire-hydrant
and sniffs
and sniffs
and sniffs
to mark the spot for
the anticlimactic
lifting of the leg
with predictable
golden results in
final maloderous punctuation
against violated hydrant;
He then turns toward me
and proclaims:
"And this is
how we define
'trickle-down' economics!
There'll be a quiz
on this at the end
of the period!"

RE:Economics Lesson...

I looked at Trickle-down economics and it's defined as...

truckle
grovel, act servilely, submit

Wikipedia English - The Free Encyclopedia

Trickle-down economics "Trickle-down economics" and "trickle-down theory," in political rhetoric, are characterizations by opponents of the policy of lowering taxes on high incomes and business activity. Proponents of these policies claim that they will promote new investment and economic growth, thereby indirectly benefiting people in lower tax brackets who do not receive the direct benefits of lower taxes. Opponents characterize this as a claim that the people who would otherwise pay the tax will distribute their benefit to less wealthy individuals, so that a fraction will reach the general population and stimulate the economy. Proponents of the policies generally do not use the terms "trickle-down economics" themselves.

Trickle-down theory
"Trickle-down theory" can refer to two different but related concepts:
• Trickle-down effect, a model of product adoption in marketing
• Trickle-down economics, a rhetorical term for tax cuts on high incomes and business activity


Trickle Trickle is the second and final album to date from English trip hop band Olive.

This article uses material from Wikipedia® and is licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License
Community created content

ENGLISH IDIOMS 2.EDITION

Babylon English-English [/b]

trickle
v. to flow in a thin gentle stream; flow by dripping; move slowly


x
n. thin stream, slow movement

RE: RE: Poem Critiques

Quote:

Originally Posted by "kabbalistic"

An Economics Lesson

Alberto the dog promises
to teach me about
economics today;
As he approaches
horrified fire-hydrant
and sniffs
and sniffs
and sniffs
to mark the spot for
the anticlimactic
lifting of the leg
with predictable
golden results in
final maloderous punctuation
against violated hydrant;
He then turns toward me
and proclaims:
"And this is
how we define
'trickle-down' economics!
There'll be a quiz
on this at the end
of the period!"

RE: RE:Economics Lesson...

weight loss...tell me wat u think

you hurt me, you used me, you tore my body and soul, i cried, you laughed. then she strode into the room, and repeated the task. i grew up, i moved on, i finally know what love is.

You called i didn't answer, my boyfriend told me the news. i smiled a wicked smile and ran for the car, he stopped me, i smiled and said i knew what to do. he said he'd come to "i hate him" i said, "i know" he replied.

I walked thru the hospital doors, and into yo---my father's room. you told me what to do and i told you i had something to say to you. i told my love to stand by the door, and i walked to the white bed you lay dying on. i took a deep breath and said " I ---------YOU".

My brothers looked up with surprise in their eyes, Mom glared up at me, hatred in her eyes. then i looked in ur cold hard eyes, they suddenly filled with laughter.

"YOUR STUPID", leaves ur mouth and penetrates my ears. "I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE YOU", i reply which stuns the you.my love looked stunned, and so did the doctor, for this doctor was our doctor since i was 5. he seen and ignored all my childhood visits to him.

I told him i agreed to the kidney transplant. Then i turned to my love with the weight off my shoulders and said "YES I WILL MARRY YOU". he smiled and held me tight.

"WHY" I hear my father shout, it's easy i say, "ONLY--------- WILL SET MY FREE". as i sign all the forum so the transplant can be done, the words ring in my head...."I FORGIVE YOU"... the word i thought I'd never say.

RE: ...Tell me what you think...

"FORGIVE OTHERS AS I HAVE FORGIVEN YOU"

RE: Poem Critiques

Pulsing.

New erotica.

Read and comment

RE: Poem Critiques

Feedback???

Whimper (Of A Forgotten Child)

I am not washed,
I am not fed;
It is so late,
Past time for bed.

Why traffic stops
I do not know
I saw my Mommy
So long ago.

Too many strangers
They are so big!
She jumped inside
A truckers rig.

She told me "sit
And do not cry;
And don't you ask
The question why".

I do not worry
If Mommy's back;
'Cause I'll be safe
With my dog Jack.

You cannot see him
He is not here;
But I'm protected
He's always near.

He watches always
The very bad
Like Mommy's friend
Who I called "Dad".

He made me do it
And made me swear
To never tattle
When he touched there.

My Mommy told me,
I shouldn't lie,
To make up stories
Or I could die.

He put his hand
Under my shirt;
Then even lower
Until it hurt.

I do not need
To Hurt him back;
Just tell it to
My guard dog Jack.

Sometimes I worry
And I get sad;
Too many badmen
That I call "Dad".

They make me do it
While they get high;
And still they hit me
Until I cry.

Now I'm on blankets
With my backpack;
So I call out
To my dog Jack.

No more to cry
The hurt will end;
He will defend me,
My faithful friend.

Quote

Flag Post

RE: Poem Critiques

ok, since this poem is in the critique space.... and you suggested feedback...

1."and still they hit me until I cry"
I think 'til I cry would help the lines flow easier

2. I don't know if this poem is for all abused children or from your personal experience... so I will critique~ with as much sensitivity as possible.
I can set my heart to feel the hurt while reading about the experiences of abuse, but I feel like this poem is a meal of mostly real with a dessert of empty... Maybe I've misunderstood... but it's as if Jack the dog has always been there, but has yet to stop the abuse; and I know there are passive victims that continue to experience abuse, even into adulthood... but I'd like to find a more FEEL ending, such as the child finding jackpower, or wordpower or some kinda power to uncork the rage... 'cause it's there...just not really showing.
an incredibly strong tale

RE: Poem Critiques

Please read and give feedback on my poetry, I will return the favor as always. Thanks. All the best -Marion-

RE: Poem Critiques

Well, I have been writing for about a year, would like some feedback on the following.

Linger


Though silent and imprinted,
Sometimes brings turmoil vented,
Fleeting like a caring wind,
A peace lost that was so kind.

Unwavering disregard,
A heart long ago turned so hard,
Touched with love by so many,
In return pains, uncanny.

Steadfast in mood and habits,
Like a sharp ax it all splits,
Lingering within echoes remain,
Lost forever a friend left in pain.

Becoming a better being,
Learning and yet to be seen,
Perhaps at the end I will see,
All the hurt caused by me!

Last edited by Hcg00 01-18-2010 at 01:34:14 PM

RE: Poem Critiques

MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION
Your decision will last forever
BY: JACQUELINE R. MENDOZA

My soul is visiting places when I’m asleep and one place is purgatory. I am very concerned when I saw the people who passed away in there mad at Sacred Heart of Jesus saying “WHY DID YOU NOT DO ANYTHING?” God or Jesus answered “I GAVE YOU FREE WILL” that was when I interfered, “I volunteer to let the people who are still living to hear the fullness of the truth and they’re free to do their will” then I woke up thirsty then went to the restroom. This is serious, I read the Catholic bible and it is true, God or Jesus is visiting people when they are asleep.

I want to see you in everlasting life and most people in America is outside church, and when you’re outside church you have no salvation (life) and you will be in the purgatory FOREVER. Think about it real hard, do not forget it and I strongly encourage you visit http://www.mycatholicsource.com/mcs/guide.htm, look for “Challenged to Non-Catholics”, study , read it and whatever you may find about the fullness of the truth, it’s very hard to accept and ask God in your minds to help you. He is always listening and with you.

Do You Wonder Who Jesus Is?
* As is clear from Sacred Scripture, Jesus Christ is true God and true Man. He is the second person of the Blessed Trinity. Christ the Lord - also called Emmanuel and the Word - took on human flesh, being born of the Virgin Mary. He is the Messiah promised since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden (cf. Gen. 3:15). In order to atone for the sins of man, He was crucified, willingly died, and was buried. On the third day, He rose from the dead. He ascended into Heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father. He will come again to judge the living and the dead. Before His death, He performed numerous miracles, taught heavenly doctrine, and commissioned certain men to act in His place (men whom He equipped with the necessary power). He also founded His Church - the Catholic Church - (called his "body") on St. Peter in order to bring men to salvation, and He continues to act as its invisible head. He remains physically present in Catholic churches throughout the world in the Holy Eucharist

SAYING “CHURCH” IS ONLY ONE TRUE CHURCH, CATHOLIC AND TRUE CHRISTIAN, FOUNDED BY JESUS CHRIST AROUND YEAR 33.

RE: Poem Critiques - To Marion

dear Marion... I will welcome a chance to critique a poem from your collection... please provide your most fervent selection

RE: Poem Critiques - To Hcg00

Hcg00 - You have nice sensitivity...
I like your poem and I'd like to see it flow a little smoother in the beginning
example:..
1. "Fleeting like a caring wind
a kind peace lost... it happened when?

2. There are three "so" words ... and I would change one of them, and put a pause, after "in return" as follows
unwavering from disregard
a heart long ago has turned so hard
touched with love by the many
in return... pains, uncanny

RE: Poem Critiques

My apology!

RE: RE: Poem Critiques - To Hcg00

RE: Poem Critiques

I would value comments on this poem please.


Without Surprise

Rock me beneath
The sod---
In my eternal bed---
Black earth a grand
Ceiling makes—
Clod pillows
For the head—

Let me rest
In concrete sleep
Though my brethren rise—
Affix their golden wings---
Toward heaven,
They surmise.