Poem Critiques
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RE: RE: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by Paolo I would value comments on this poem please. Without Surprise Rock me beneath The sod--- In my eternal bed--- Black earth a grand Ceiling makes— Clod pillows For the head— Let me rest In concrete sleep Though my brethren rise— Affix their golden wings--- Toward heaven, They surmise. Choices we have many, but in death we have none. I think its a grand poem. There is no surprise to what birth implied from hour one of our lives. Where there is life there is danger as a great Russian writer once said. I don't know that you need the last line however. It does change the tone of the whole poem. Like they don't deserve their golden wings. But as far as I see it everyone deserves their wings. But then I believe in Karma rather than sin. Later, a poet friend. RH Peat Last edited by RHPeat 01-25-2010 at 06:33:54 PM |
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RE: RE: RE: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by RHPeat Originally Posted by Paolo I would value comments on this poem please. Without Surprise Rock me beneath The sod--- In my eternal bed--- Black earth a grand Ceiling makes— Clod pillows For the head— Let me rest In concrete sleep Though my brethren rise— Affix their golden wings--- Toward heaven, They surmise. Choices we have many, but in death we have none. I think its a grand poem. There is no surprise to what birth implied from hour one of our lives. Where there is life there is danger as a great Russian writer once said. I don't know that you need the last line however. It does change the tone of the whole poem. Like they don't deserve their golden wings. But as far as I see it everyone deserves their wings. But then I believe in Karma rather than sin. Later, a poet friend. RH Peat I am greatly pleased that the placement of the last line changed the tone of the whole poem I wrote it that it would change the poem. In a way the voice of the poem was being sarcastic in suggesting that all the while there are no golden wings or sleep and the destination that the brethren believe is something they merely "surmise". I also believe in Karma also and give no credence to the concept of sin. Thank you so much for your kind comments. |
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RE: RE: RE: RE: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by Paolo Originally Posted by RHPeat Originally Posted by Paolo I would value comments on this poem please. Without Surprise Rock me beneath The sod--- In my eternal bed--- Black earth a grand Ceiling makes— Clod pillows For the head— Let me rest In concrete sleep Though my brethren rise— Affix their golden wings--- Toward heaven, They surmise. Choices we have many, but in death we have none. I think its a grand poem. There is no surprise to what birth implied from hour one of our lives. Where there is life there is danger as a great Russian writer once said. I don't know that you need the last line however. It does change the tone of the whole poem. Like they don't deserve their golden wings. But as far as I see it everyone deserves their wings. But then I believe in Karma rather than sin. Later, a poet friend. RH Peat I am greatly pleased that the placement of the last line changed the tone of the whole poem I wrote it that it would change the poem. In a way the voice of the poem was being sarcastic in suggesting that all the while there are no golden wings or sleep and the destination that the brethren believe is something they merely "surmise". I also believe in Karma also and give no credence to the concept of sin. Thank you so much for your kind comments. The line is somewhat equivocal in that sense if wings is referring to spirit leaving the body or not. Karma doesn't necessary deny spirit or that the shell of the body wasn't part of an identity for a period of time that has translated into something new. Heavens there are many, a mansion of many rooms. Even the Hopi have 9 heavens, while the Buddhists & Hindus have many. So it leaves the line more equivocal than definite. But that too works in the sense that the reader is left questioning the intent in the line. Metaphorical in quite another way. Interesting concept Palo. Please have a look at my "The Poem: By The Poet" A poet friend RH Peat Last edited by RHPeat 01-25-2010 at 07:35:09 PM |
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RE: Poem CritiquesI'm not quite sure if you're using poetry to explain how you feel because I used to do it and thank you Mr. Polo for being my angel to inform me I should do it again. |
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RE: RE: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by Jacqueline51712 I'm not quite sure if you're using poetry to explain how you feel because I used to do it and thank you Mr. Polo for being my angel to inform me I should do it again. * Regarding your poem, on the first stanza or paragraph, you are saying you're confused in your life, the second stanza states that although your family are together helping you by giving ideas and some are stupid but they presume. * Forgive me if I have it wrong or I think weird but what are you confuse about? Sorry  My thought was that many see only one way, one path, when I can see many paths and embrace others finding the way as they can make it happen. While it may seem I am confused, I feel I am more aware than confused, I am more inclusive than exclusive. I celebrate our sameness's and embrace our differences. |
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RE: RE: RE: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by Paolo Originally Posted by Jacqueline51712 I'm not quite sure if you're using poetry to explain how you feel because I used to do it and thank you Mr. Polo for being my angel to inform me I should do it again. * Regarding your poem, on the first stanza or paragraph, you are saying you're confused in your life, the second stanza states that although your family are together helping you by giving ideas and some are stupid but they presume. * Forgive me if I have it wrong or I think weird but what are you confuse about? Sorry My thought was that many see only one way, one path, when I can see many paths and embrace others finding the way as they can make it happen. While it may seem I am confused, I feel I am more aware than confused, I am more inclusive than exclusive. I celebrate our sameness's and embrace our differences. Enjoy all the differences they are what cause us to find what we have in common. While dwelling on similarities only allows us to see the differences between us. Besides the world would be a very dull place if everyone were the same or had the same ideas. Creation is meant to be explored by spirit. That's why there are so many differences within the world. Whatever elevates the spirit is positive. Ways and choice are many: as your poem suggests, but in death there is no choice; it was inferred by birth right: only translation exists at death, or as some might put it salvation; freedom form the body. What was it the little monk said; "Die daily". For he knew this liberation is obtainable every moment. It is a grand poem Palo. That last line wares on you after awhile. It's great the way it separates the cream from the milk: the honey from the bee. a poet friend RH Peat Last edited by RHPeat 01-27-2010 at 03:39:11 PM |
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RE: Poem CritiquesI'm very happy we're the same and I understand our differences Mr. Paolo... |
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RE: Poem CritiquesI'm gonna throw my name into the 'critique me' pile. |
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RE: Poem CritiquesI FEEL BAD Last edited by Jacqueline51712 02-01-2010 at 06:52:27 PM |
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Water in the HillWhat do you make of this poem? Last edited by Paolo 01-30-2010 at 08:14:29 PM |
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RE: Poem CritiquesI don't know shoot! Snow lol... Last edited by Jacqueline51712 02-01-2010 at 06:43:22 PM |
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RE: Poem CritiquesYeah, Last edited by Cirion5667 01-31-2010 at 12:09:02 AM |
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RE: RE: Water in the HillVery many thanks I have for you dear Friend RHPeat. Your suggestions are what I needed and will be used in re-writing this poem. i beg your forgiveness for this but my English does not have the understanding of this word, "enjamb". Quote:
Originally Posted by RHPeat Water in the Hill What do you make of this poem? What do I think? I like the intent here a lot William, I mean Palo. I might make some suggestions about line structure however for better endings metaphors, and flow: flow meaning rhythm. These four lines I might make read. I cannot sleep tonight Instead I stroll out where the fields sparkle -=- I think the endings would have more impact on a reader. in moonlight on new fallen snow--- the spirit of my breath spreads into the night— -=- These four lines are an angel sent from heaven. under my feet the crunch of green bones sing me on, I then (come) -=- Here I’d change the end of the line to read (then I come). The next two lines I’d reword into one line. to a remarkable sight--- -=- I really don’t think the word (Most) does anything for the intent in the pome. The word to focus on is (remarkable). It makes us tune up as readers. You want the reader to grasp it and then find out what is remarkable. So I suggest cutting the modifier. Move to the beat, so to speak. water seeping from the hill had folded it's self in as many -=-here you have a misspelling (itself) is one word. It means exactly the same thing. No biggy. (Silver), shimmering fishes -=- here I’d cut the (y) off the word (silvery) to empower the line a bit. It makes the image read smoother and picks up on the accents in the language to make it more rhythmic sounding: 2 trochees and an iamb. rise and fall with -=- here I’d activate the verbs by cutting the (ing)s There are also far too many of them in a row which starts to look like H.S. earth’s contour----having -=- here I’d let the earth really own the contours by making a possessive out of the image. A stronger metaphor and ties the image together tighter. Obeyed the path gravity selected for the (twists,) turbulent turns and torrents rolled down hill— -=- in these lines I’d try to make the verb-nouns all alike by cutting the (ing) on the verb-noun (twisting) this would make them all parallel in intent as an antithesis metaphor which turns on the last line of the metaphor “down Hill” For all these things rolled down hill in the way that the poem is worded. This form of metaphor is used a lot in Chinese poetry. It’s usually 2 things instead of 3. But then knowing you. You like to do things in a big way. ☺ Until it came (to) (X)a hollowed out -=- Here I think I’d move the to up a line to play on the word with some word play. Suggesting to wake up. “Until it came to” but the line does still enjamb into the next line to read with proper intent as well. It’s kind of a pun metaphor when you break a line this. And I think it stays with the intent of your poem as well. The remarkable thing has awoken within the viewer. Place, flat, Frozen, and still------- -=- in these last lines I’d insert the commas. The fist comma however could be a dash in between “place—flat,/ frozen, and still” It’s a great poem Palo. I like it a lot. Great images as usual. You have a camera in your voice connected to your brain. Thanx for sending us the picture, snapshot of the remarkable dream. Dr. William Calos Williams lives. Reborn in Palo. ☺ Picking up where he left off on his last visit. Later, have a good evening. A poet friend RH Peat |
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RE: Words From A Woman Named WordQuote: Originally Posted by mjonesword I would appreciate all the feed back I can get. Thanks A 'Plant' can be equated to many 'Situations' in life When dealing with complexity, sometimes we grow quickly..... Sometimes not............. We can live indoors or pretend while living out Or both simultaneously, I have no doubt The bottom line is.... If love for'Either' in or out becomes displaced, Love can feasibly, not necessarily easily, be replaced Simply by pulling up the roots And re-planting This is a grand poem and it doesn't need any help at all as far as I'm concerned. Great metaphor. It might be a bit telling in the beginning of the opening, but the turning point and closure are right on. a poet friend RH Peat |
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RE: RE: RE: Water in the HillQuote: Originally Posted by Paolo Very many thanks I have for you dear Friend RHPeat. Your suggestions are what I needed and will be used in re-writing this poem. i beg your forgiveness for this but my English does not have the understanding of this word, "enjamb". Thank you again for your help. Your Friend. Paolo Palo enjambment is when the line is forced into the following line. It sometimes or many times empowers the word at the head of the following line rather than end-stop a line. It also causes the reader to be pulled forward into the coming text and speed the contextual flow of the rhythm at that point where the enjambment occurs while still maintaining the pace of the language. It does many other things as well, but that is pretty much the basic stuff. It moves the reader forward in the poem to catch the flow of the meaning. It uses content to pull the reader ahead; It can soften the end of the lines as well. You do it naturally sometimes, by the way. But knowing about it helps control the reader more. You can enjamb stanzas or lines. It makes no difference. I use it a lot. Along with a caesura it can be quite interesting what it does to the contextual flow yet maintain the rhythm of the language. Poetically: It's like traveling the same road but speeding up in the straight aways and slowing down for the bumps, turns and hazards. I hope this helps you some. But I'm sure you can find a basic definition on the internet in a poetry dictionary. Go for it. But realize they are not going to give you the whole ball of wax. Using it knowingly will teach you a lot. You can actually here it. You can use it in metric verse and it is like changing the pace or cadence the way free verse does. It's a very interesting device. a poet friend RH Peat |
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RE: Poem CritiquesI hope this helps... |
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RE: Poem CritiquesForgive me, I've slow thinking process... |
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RE: Poem CritiquesPain |
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RE: Poem CritiquesHello, first of all... |
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RE: Poem CritiquesALSO... Sorry I'm thinking of what else I can help you with so here... Last edited by Jacqueline51712 02-01-2010 at 07:18:56 PM |
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RE: RE: Poem CritiquesQuote:
Originally Posted by Jacqueline51712 Jacqueline Poem Commentary WORDS OF WISDOM 2 God commanded us to love All our strength and heart Mind and Soul The way God loves us -=--=- When you quote something; you really need to keep the order of the words, or you change the meaning behind the intent. There is a spiritual reason why the words are said in a specific order. "with all your heart; with all your soul; with all your mind; with all your strength. The order of these words are important; they are the progression of spiritual awareness: spiritual consciousness. First the heart: you must love yourself before loving anything or anyone else, then the soul: this allows the Holy Spirit to enter in, then the mind, for the mind needs to be controlled by spirit and not body and lastly strength. The strength of persistence, persistence in divine love: love without any strings attached. Love for the world at large. None of these things can be accomplished until the preceding consciousness is acquired. The order is vital to personal revelation. So if you use a quote in what you write; keep it correct or don't use it at all. Otherwise it kills the strength of the original language used in that poetry that has been so carefully translated over so many years by many scholars. A poet friend RH Peat : |
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RH Peat, You are a very good critic, will you please comment in my poemWhere goes my Muse.... |
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RE: Poem Critiques"Look for me, my muse… for me… |
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RE: RE: Poem CritiquesQuote: Originally Posted by Jacqueline51712 But my poet friend, I wrote it as how it is printed although it's in straight line like this... We are commandd to love God with all our strength, heart, mind and soul and our neighbor in the same way God loves us-..." Did I make a mistake? Thank you for pointing it out and telling me the right way, I realy appreciate it. Thank you  In any poem with a list, the order of the list is important. You might want to think about that in future poems. The list can ascend or descend depending on what you are trying to show in the overall presentation of the poem. It's a vital tool to writing better poetry. Not just any list but an ordered list that moves the reader toward the deeper intent as the poem's contextual language moves forward. Scripture by the way is poetry. All scripture not just the Bible. Actually the long line verse-structure in "Leaves of Grass" by Walt Whitman are patterned after the verses in the Bible, anaphora and all. a poet friend RH Peat Last edited by RHPeat 02-01-2010 at 06:02:25 PM |
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RE: RE: Poem CritiquesQuote: Thank youOriginally Posted by Jacqueline51712 "Look for me, my muse… for me… Life is unfilled without you" My muse is Master [God] Look for me, Master... for me... Life is unfilled without you The first line is going in The second line is going out I thought everything before the final line is how I'm lost Then at the final line is lost without you True, its worth thinking, thank you  
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Poetry is what gets lost in translation.
Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.