A Life Judged
A secret no more, I cant hold it inside any longer.
Everyone is wrong when they say that trials just make you stronger;
'Cause here I sit, just barely living proof,
Of what a haunted past, can easily do to you.
We may not be connected, you may never know my name
Though our struggles may be different, they're really all the same.
We all have our losses, I lost my father and my mother.
Thanks to Post Secret, letting people help each other.
It helps me a lot, to see people letting go;
Of secrets that were keeping them from showing up to the show.
I'm ready to share my secrets, to the wife, then the kids
And now to the rest of the world, Post Secret here it is......
Pay attention, more post cards are going to follow;
A poem of my secrets, that have left my insides hollow.
Amid all the secrets lies a message we all need to face.
It speaks of making judgements, and it's just not our place.
I have waited a long time to get these secrets off of my chest.
I'm sending them to Post Secret-where they can be laid to rest.
So here is to you all, the gift of the things I have said
Coming in brown paper packing, with FRAGILE gently stamped in red.
The World is the judge, and I've been found lacking.
It's the story of my life they are attacking.
I should have done this, and I should have done that;
they know nothing of the struggle that has held me back.
In the third grade my Mom checked me out of class.
Dad was gonna kill her, not just whip her ass.
We made it to a shelter; I didn't eat for three days.
It's no wonder my childhood memories are all just a haze.
We left the shelter to meet Dad at the county fair.
I don't remember the next few weeks, it's all so unclear.
I can't say for sure that anything happened; I just don't know,
but what happened to all those memories, where did they go?
The man two doors down gave my Mom the money so we could leave.
Little did I know at the time, she would soon choose him over me.
I never did like him much, and as a matter of fact,
I spent the next few years giving him hell just to pay him back.
Somewhere in the middle of this great big mess
Dad went to prison for lifting my cousin's dress.
Mom worked like hell just to try to keep the bills paid;
She couldn't make the rent, and the landlord tried to take it out in trade.
I saw what was happening and knew how it would unfold
I stopped it from going down, I was only nine years old.
To this day, I pray I never see that man
I was too small to kill him then, but God knows now I can.
I used to have an uncle who had more than one side.
I was the only one from whom he didn't have to hide.
I sat by and watched as the drugs took him over
I kept his dirty secret, even from his wife, I wish I would have showed her
He went to great lengths to keep his double lives from crossing.
One minute the family man, the next it was the pipe and coughing.
He messed around 'til he got himself busted for grand theft
The lives were coming together and he had only one chance left.
He picked up the phone and called me; I didn't answer, go figure.
I didn't put the gun to his head, but might as well have pulled the trigger.
I guess he couldn't handle everyone knowing that he was weak
I wish I had answered to lend the only ear to which he could speak.
So to my uncle, man I apologize; you'll never know how much I am sorry.
Rest in peace, my friend I will not follow in your footsteps, you don't have to worry.
To say the least , my path was very troubled.
Maybe that is why I keep my own kids inside a bubble.
I was lucky in love and found my soul mate.
We had a lil girl, and Mom's cancer took her twleve days after that date.
Dad was out of prison and the only parent I had left.
I still feel guilty for giving him the love I should have kept.
My love and I soon had another girl.
Dad had changed for the better, and we were his world.
Dad packed up one day and moved out of state.
He promised he would be back, he said you just wait.
Somehow I had a feeling inside
That in that other state is where he would die.
The years went by, maybe six or even seven.
And just as i thought, he left there and went to hell, or maybe heaven.
The wife and I have made it, though neither of us are the same.
The wife has bore the cross for my crimes and that brings me shame.
We have been through things together that nobody else knows.
We had to make a choice, so together we both chose.
I am trying to find the person inside of me that I should be.
If he no longer exists I will have to set my wife free.
I know she never signed up for a life like this.
And if I have to go, its those three I will miss.
While she didn't sign up for this life, I didn't either
I hope I can get past the past so i will be able to keep her.
I love you Wife, I know that you, the girls and the world can find me lacking;
But they don't know that inside I am broken, so they should think twice before attacking.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking anything away from you;
Your childhood was hell, but baby mine was too.
I own all of my mistakes, and ultimately my destination;
Don't think this is an excuse, it's merely an explanation.
I don't know any other way to let you all see-
That for far too long, I've let my past destroy me.
I have told myself, that this is it, the past is all over;
It's time to fight back against my addictions, and live life clean and sober.
Everyone is wrong when they say that trials just make you stronger;
'Cause here I sit, just barely living proof,
Of what a haunted past, can easily do to you.
We may not be connected, you may never know my name
Though our struggles may be different, they're really all the same.
We all have our losses, I lost my father and my mother.
Thanks to Post Secret, letting people help each other.
It helps me a lot, to see people letting go;
Of secrets that were keeping them from showing up to the show.
I'm ready to share my secrets, to the wife, then the kids
And now to the rest of the world, Post Secret here it is......
Pay attention, more post cards are going to follow;
A poem of my secrets, that have left my insides hollow.
Amid all the secrets lies a message we all need to face.
It speaks of making judgements, and it's just not our place.
I have waited a long time to get these secrets off of my chest.
I'm sending them to Post Secret-where they can be laid to rest.
So here is to you all, the gift of the things I have said
Coming in brown paper packing, with FRAGILE gently stamped in red.
The World is the judge, and I've been found lacking.
It's the story of my life they are attacking.
I should have done this, and I should have done that;
they know nothing of the struggle that has held me back.
In the third grade my Mom checked me out of class.
Dad was gonna kill her, not just whip her ass.
We made it to a shelter; I didn't eat for three days.
It's no wonder my childhood memories are all just a haze.
We left the shelter to meet Dad at the county fair.
I don't remember the next few weeks, it's all so unclear.
I can't say for sure that anything happened; I just don't know,
but what happened to all those memories, where did they go?
The man two doors down gave my Mom the money so we could leave.
Little did I know at the time, she would soon choose him over me.
I never did like him much, and as a matter of fact,
I spent the next few years giving him hell just to pay him back.
Somewhere in the middle of this great big mess
Dad went to prison for lifting my cousin's dress.
Mom worked like hell just to try to keep the bills paid;
She couldn't make the rent, and the landlord tried to take it out in trade.
I saw what was happening and knew how it would unfold
I stopped it from going down, I was only nine years old.
To this day, I pray I never see that man
I was too small to kill him then, but God knows now I can.
I used to have an uncle who had more than one side.
I was the only one from whom he didn't have to hide.
I sat by and watched as the drugs took him over
I kept his dirty secret, even from his wife, I wish I would have showed her
He went to great lengths to keep his double lives from crossing.
One minute the family man, the next it was the pipe and coughing.
He messed around 'til he got himself busted for grand theft
The lives were coming together and he had only one chance left.
He picked up the phone and called me; I didn't answer, go figure.
I didn't put the gun to his head, but might as well have pulled the trigger.
I guess he couldn't handle everyone knowing that he was weak
I wish I had answered to lend the only ear to which he could speak.
So to my uncle, man I apologize; you'll never know how much I am sorry.
Rest in peace, my friend I will not follow in your footsteps, you don't have to worry.
To say the least , my path was very troubled.
Maybe that is why I keep my own kids inside a bubble.
I was lucky in love and found my soul mate.
We had a lil girl, and Mom's cancer took her twleve days after that date.
Dad was out of prison and the only parent I had left.
I still feel guilty for giving him the love I should have kept.
My love and I soon had another girl.
Dad had changed for the better, and we were his world.
Dad packed up one day and moved out of state.
He promised he would be back, he said you just wait.
Somehow I had a feeling inside
That in that other state is where he would die.
The years went by, maybe six or even seven.
And just as i thought, he left there and went to hell, or maybe heaven.
The wife and I have made it, though neither of us are the same.
The wife has bore the cross for my crimes and that brings me shame.
We have been through things together that nobody else knows.
We had to make a choice, so together we both chose.
I am trying to find the person inside of me that I should be.
If he no longer exists I will have to set my wife free.
I know she never signed up for a life like this.
And if I have to go, its those three I will miss.
While she didn't sign up for this life, I didn't either
I hope I can get past the past so i will be able to keep her.
I love you Wife, I know that you, the girls and the world can find me lacking;
But they don't know that inside I am broken, so they should think twice before attacking.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking anything away from you;
Your childhood was hell, but baby mine was too.
I own all of my mistakes, and ultimately my destination;
Don't think this is an excuse, it's merely an explanation.
I don't know any other way to let you all see-
That for far too long, I've let my past destroy me.
I have told myself, that this is it, the past is all over;
It's time to fight back against my addictions, and live life clean and sober.
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