Trouble in Christmas Town

I was pullin' a load in my big truck
Hopein' for a piece of good luck
But the weather was fightin' back a pile a snow.
Just as I crossed the county line
I saw the highway turn a bit white
And I knew that sky was about to dump it's load.

Well the clouds opened up and I got uptight
'Cause there wasn't a snow plow anywhere in sight
So I just pushed on down the road but not very far
I went as far as I could and when I stopped the truck
It was right in front of this bit'o luck
A warm lookin' joint called the "Pussy Cat Gentlemen's Bar"

Well I pulled on my jacket and pulled down my hat
I told the waitress I had enough of that
And could she bring me coffee and point me towards the telephone
Well there was one thing I was sure happy to see
There wasn't a soul in the place except for her and me
And she just flashed a smile and showed me where to call home

I called up my boss and in his own way
He told me that load was to be delivered today
He had nine trucks already out stuck in the snow
I said,"Now, it's TEN. I'm stuck where I'm at!"
And I didn't bother to tell him that
I sure as hell didn't want any other place to go

I ordered up supper feelin proud of myself
When this guy walked in who looked just like an elf
With a wierd hat, funny shoes, standing about three foot four
Well he looked at me and I damn near died
And I knew I shouldn't judge a man by his size
So I said “Hell son! Come in away from that door!”

Just when I thought I'd warmed up in my skin
three more short dudes come strollin' in
With this a gray hair old fella combed over his empty top.
I tried to get away from the door when the older one
Said, "Is that your truck in the snow out there, son?"
Your a long way from home, and this weather doesn't look like it'll ever stop.”

Now the last thing I wanted was to think about snow
with this pretty little lady with the smile that glowed
Especially when she was smiling and looking real friendly towards me
I said “You bet!” and then I let slip
that the bunk in back was fully equipped
and that waitress' eyes sparkled and she smiled as wide as could be

Now Comb Over decided to pull up a chair
and the others started playin cards way down there
And the old man said "The Govenor's gone called out the cops."
"The radio said it's an emergency!
He's shut down the roads and mercy me
he's canceled all flights and mandated traffic stops!"

Well that sounded bad but I was lookin' to see
If Little Miss Smiles might come bunk with me
But the old man kept on tellin' us what the radio said
He said "Would you believe this man has gone as far
As pullin apart familes driving in different cars
And we have jobs and kids that need to be fed."

He went on about his job as a clown
Travel all summer to visit small towns
But at Christmas time they'd really make a fuss!
He told us about the Orphans and it was sad
and when he got near the end I was really mad
I stood on my chair and hollered “They can't do that to us!"

About that time two Deputies
from the local Sheriff office came in out of the breeze
and asked “Miss Martha, is every thing here all right?
They both looked real close at me and gray hair
and I quietly stepped down off my chair
The last thing I wanted was a jail cell for the night.

"I'm fine Jim.” she said with a laugh
“I got a fresh pot of coffee started out in the back.
And I can get you boys somethin' to eat if ya fancy a bite."
“We came in after the red Cadallac
We spotted tucked in next to the truck out back,”
He said “It sorta stood out in the snow against the white.”

He said “The Sheriff's put out an A.P.B.
For 'Red Suit Gang' out from Tennessee
Robbing shopin' malls while doin' a song and dance.”
They all started starein' and I felt kinda sick
And I knew I better think of something pretty quick
So I just reached out and kicked old comb over right in the pants.

All of a sudden the whole damned croud
Was movin' and hollerin really loud
Climbin over ole gray and headed toward the door at a trot
And I guess I shoulda tried to help stop that run
But somehow I just couldn't resist the fun
Of watchin' four dwarves scramble for the parking lot

Well they were headed for their car and they sure were fast
but the fuzz spun around and headed 'em off at the pass
Before it was done there was a ton o' dust in the air
Well they had those Deputies tryin to catch'em'
Like the Keystone Cops would be better to Fetch'em
And all five were in the back 'fore the Sheriff got there

I didn't hit the road till nearly three days later
Miss Martha took good care of this Florida Gator
For a Christmas weekend where I was the star
Each Christmas my boss thinks I've lost my mind
I get my truck stuck at that county line
And spend it at the “Pussy Cat Gentlemen's Bar”

(c)2010