Sometimes My Heart

Feels as if it were

To soon explode.

Waking life reeks of

Beauty, which seems to only

Taunt my every move.

I can barely breathe,

Drowning in an existence

That rests far from empty.

I don’t know who I am,

Though familiar feelings spill

Over me, like              

Water on stone.

And yet,

These memories fade

And steal the sapphire sky,

Covering it in blankets

Of tarnished cloud.

This leaves me lost.

I feel

Disconnected-- unhinged.

As if I am watching the

World whip in whirlpools

Around me.

Could there be a sound so dense?

As the rushing storms

Laughing in my face.

And wading in my tears

Like they were mere toys.

Why can’t I fly away?

I’ve never really found a place

That I call home.

I want to dance with the angels,

Take embrace on their terrain.

Stay where silence is only

A breath away.

Sing with the angels,

Be sheathed in feathers and

Embroidered with gold.

I want to unveil

To the rest of the world,

What my eyes will

one day see.

For rarely do I find a chance,

A chance willing

To give more than it takes away.

Now the days have set in

And time will slowly chase,

Yet I rest.

Trapped in the eye

Of a tornado.

A tornado that I cannot seem to follow.

Raindrops spiral around me

As dripping tears interlace.

Oh lord! Take my life,

Break the patterns of abuse.

I have no use! I have no use.

I sit alone

with only my thoughts to keep

though forever I just want 

to be held in a mother’s arms.

Instead I wear my wounds

and brace myself,

For a lash

That rips at my soul.

And it

Drops me,

Drops me down,

To a point where I

Can no longer even stand,

Even breathe,

Without crumbling to

The ground.

I don’t stand a chance among the living

Balancing

Shy on obsession.

Convulsing at the sound of a single raindrop.

I feel such disgrace, I can’t

make it in this place and

It’s never going to stop

so I should just give up.

Someone please hurry

I’m all alone 

I’m on the verge of breaking down

I’m scared,

I’m all alone.

Another night I try to fight,

but the colors fade to gray

and all my dreams fall flat.

Oh God-

how can i survive?

i’m looking down at the abyss,

where you don’t exist,

you don’t exist!

being here wearies my soul,

I feel suppressed by all my childhood fears

Their presence still lingers here 

and it won’t leave me alone!

these wounds can never heal

this pain

is just too real

there’s just too much 

and time cannot erase.

I’m three sighs away from mutilation

Moments away from satisfaction.

The blade is shining now,

Maybe today,

Make it complete, leave me completely.

I feel a cure coming on...

a sigh that echoes short of everlasting joy.

Cure me of this disease,

I scream please,

I scream please!

If forgiveness is the key than

I must reconcile with all that was done,

but letting go means losing me.

Losing me.

All my pieces are scattered, lost.

I’m just one big gaping hole,

I feel so vulnerable,

so weak.

But I remind myself of this,

at least i feel, at least i feel!

I want to release myself from them,

the poison arrow that they target at my soul

on a mission to search and destroy

I feel so vulnerable.

I walk around this place, a stupid victim

such disgrace

guilt and shame are my cloak now

I want to have my life.

this is my life, this is my life!

They will not have a hold.

To them I will say this,

Though you think you’ve won

you will have nothing of my soul.

It happened I won’t lie and hide,

you raped me, tore me up inside,

but I am different, I am strong

I am leaving you alone.

I feel for you aching hearts,

I do not wish the worst for you, and though

I cannot comfort your pain, or

wipe your tears away

I want you to know.

I’m not okay with what you’ve done

but I can honestly say

that I do love you.

I do.

And I forgive the broken you.

I cannot help you heal,

it’s not my job to mend your wounded hearts.

But I wish the world for you.

You showed me the darkest of my time

and through that I now see such light

without the pain you did inflict

I wouldn’t know such great divines.

I’m not excusing what you did,

or giving you permission to continue on

but people make mistakes

and from yours I’ll carry on.

I forgive you without a doubt

and with that I’m freeing myself.

I am spreading my wings to fly-

so high, I do-

I fly.