Living with you is Love and War

No real balance or in between

No constant

No happy medium

You love me

Till you hate me

Till you can’t stand the sound, sight or smell of me

Attack mode all day, blaming me for your own guilt

Fight to the death

You always win

Because I don’t have the heart to hurt you the way you hurt me

So you lash out

Dig into me with sharp comments

and ridicule my feelings justified

Take pleasure in my pain

Until night falls

and tired of it all

Pain unspoken

Doubts about who you are

and who I am with you

I give into a

sleep like death so I don’t have to feel

So I don’t have to cry

So I don’t have to pretend I don’t feel the worry and the gnawing at my soul

The fear

The confusion

Wondering why with you its Love and War but mostly War

Deep in sleep

Dreaming of what I thought you were

Loved in dreams so perfectly I don’t want to wake up

Then I feel your sorry kisses

A poor substitute for a kind word, understanding and acceptance of your own actions

Cold hands that reach across the bed to hold me

To possess me

To reassure you that I am still here

Silently accepting War

While hoping and praying for love

Morning breaks with a smile

and soft spoken I love you’s that ring hollow

an attempt to cover up the gaping hole between us that we both see

but you choose to ignore

Cause with you it’s always Love and War

Sleeping with the enemy

Making love while wondering why you hate my damn guts

When I love you

And treat you kindly

And love you gently

because you have been hurt enough, so have I

instead of recognizing my frailties

And knowing I run to you for comfort, acceptance and understanding

To find nothing but criticism for my very existence

And for being someone who loves you despite

You cultivate guilt into a harvest of anger

Because it keeps you from feeling unbalanced and insecure

You lie to your own self and make it my fault, my issue or problem

The blame is to heavy to for me to carry

And my spine can bend no more without breaking

When I stand firm you use words

like an axe and chop at my roots

praying for my fall

So you can preserve the status quo

Of Love and War

I am tired of fighting the world and you

Bending to the wills of life conforming when I need to

move in circles that write my check

own my home

and provide things I cannot get on my own but need to survive

I should not have to fight you

In my own home

In my own space

In my own mind

In my own heart

Fight you for a kind word

Fight you for understanding

Fight you for an apology deserved

Fight you for the love you said was mine always

So tired of War

And defense strategies

rearranging my words and flipping them around on my tongue before I speak

Holding back even easy conversation because the rejection and resistance

to everything I dream and desire is to too much to take

Tired of War

Ready for love

But you don’t have it to give

Until it is you who needs it

Until you are lonely

Until you want pleasure

Until you want confirmation that

I will continue taking what you dish out

And love you all the more despite

But I left my heart on the battlefield

To go forth and study war no more

I have hung up my uniform

And packed away the medals received for bravery

The time for was has passed

Simply peace and kind quiet love is my heart’s desire

And as the void between us

becomes black and swirling sucking in my

Compassion

My humility

My desire to please you

My displaced concern for your feelings and pride above my own

The war between us is over

I surrender,

Waving my white flag soaked in blue tears

And I leave you standing there waiting for your

Next opponent

The challenger

Not knowing he is you