Haiku Poetry
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Re: Haiku PoetryHaiku |
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Re: Haiku PoetryThat's a lesson I just recently learned. LOL You would think a University Professor (even an engineer) would have learned that long ago. |
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Re: Haiku PoetrySay prof aggie? I realize this thread is for haiku poetry and I don't want to sully it with lesser things but would you please tell me what kind of rhyming structure I have here. I wrote it ... 'came back to it later and wondered where my sense of rhythm went. Then I looked at it again and the rhythm came back. Spooky huh? |
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Re: Haiku PoetryNeville- Please understand I do not consider myself a poet or an expert. I was a Professor of Engineering, not English lit or creatrive writing. I am a student who is trying to learn. This is why I have been experimenting with different styles of poetry (haiku, Limericks, acrostics etc,) But since you asked I will give you my understanding of your poem. First of all I like the idea and theme as well as the thought behind each stanza. The rhyming scheme is consistent (i.e the second and forth line of each stanza). When I look at the number of beats (i.e. syllables) per line I get 6-5-10-4 ; 6-5-9-5 ; 5-4-7-8 ; 5-5-7-7. Therefore it is not metric but rather free verse. As a first cut at revision I would make the following changes: Last edited by aggieprof 08-24-2009 at 06:22:49 PM |
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Re: Haiku PoetryThank you sir aggie. I've always been of the mind that a poem can be re-worked and improved. Up until the five years or so ago, I believed somehow I must respect the words and keep the inspiration as it came to me. Ha! |
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Re: Haiku PoetryWow !! Just saw the number of viewers of this thread. Awesome!! How about some of you sharing your thoughts or efforts with us? WE can all learn from each other. A very good friend of mine once told me that everyone serves a useful purpose, even if it is to be a bad example. LOL Don't be bashful. We can't see you. Last edited by aggieprof 08-29-2009 at 06:55:49 PM |
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Re: Haiku PoetryHi Aggie, |
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Re: Re: Haiku PoetryQuote: Your comments are terrific, aggieprof! I would not quite agree that this is free verse, only, after some "tweeking", this could be considered as loose meter. However, I would only go that far after the line lengths have been made more consistent. This is in quattrain form, which makes me resist the tendency to classify this fine piece as free verse, as it seems to have a more formal design owing to the rhyme. The rhyming pattern is nice and straightforward; "A-B-C-B". I will examine this write in more detail.
Originally Posted by aggieprof Neville- Please understand I do not consider myself a poet or an expert. I was a Professor of Engineering, not English lit or creatrive writing. I am a student who is trying to learn. This is why I have been experimenting with different styles of poetry (haiku, Limericks, acrostics etc,) But since you asked I will give you my understanding of your poem. First of all I like the idea and theme as well as the thought behind each stanza. The rhyming scheme is consistent (i.e the second and forth line of each stanza). When I look at the number of beats (i.e. syllables) per line I get 6-5-10-4 ; 6-5-9-5 ; 5-4-7-8 ; 5-5-7-7. Therefore it is not metric but rather free verse. As a first cut at revision I would make the following changes: Last line 3rd stanza = Of time good and bad. 1st line 4th stanza = As I'm taking my rest. Last line 4th stanza = I've not given all. From what I have been reading really great poets go thru as many as 40 revisions with a couple of dozen being normal. I would love to hear what some of our fellow poets think, both about your poem and my comments. Last edited by studly111 09-16-2009 at 08:03:40 AM |
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Re: Haiku PoetryDear Studly one eleven- |
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Re: Re: Haiku PoetryQuote: It's OK, Neville! I'm no big deal, I have less than two years of college! I will do a "poetry makeover" of your piece, with your permission. Please be advised, these are only suggestions for you to use as you see fit. You are hereby warmly invited to my thread, Some Thoughts and Counsel On the Craft of Poetry.
Originally Posted by NevillePark Dear Studly one eleven- I love the poetry analgesics going on. It's interesting for me to see a poem as having a living mechanical explanation. I'm not smart enough in that area so I'll admire you fellows from afar and just keep writing till it feels good. Love your input! Both of you.  |
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Re: Re: Re: Haiku PoetryQuote: Originally Posted by studly111 Originally Posted by NevillePark It's OK, Neville! I'm no big deal, I have less than two years of college! I will do a "poetry makeover" of your piece, with your permission. Please be advised, these are only suggestions for you to use as you see fit. You are hereby warmly invited to my thread, Some Thoughts and Counsel On the Craft of Poetry. Dear Studly one eleven- I love the poetry analgesics going on. It's interesting for me to see a poem as having a living mechanical explanation. I'm not smart enough in that area so I'll admire you fellows from afar and just keep writing till it feels good. Love your input! Both of you. I shall warmly receive anything you have to offer. How could I choose to ignore someone dressed in a military uniform... especially one with such a specific cut?  
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Re: Re: Haiku PoetryQuote: Originally Posted by NevillePark Ode To God Would I die for your dream Would I live for mine Would the sun of perpetual motion Start work at nine The hour should be yours The day should be free To carry its destined portrayal Of all that's to be In the swell from earth I 've nil to add But to witness the movement Of time with the good and the bad In taking my rest When twilight should call My regret might be simply In truth, I've not given all. OK, I took a shot! Here's your "poetry makeover", as promised! In the immortal words of our late, great opthamalogist, Dr. Walter Rados; "Better now?" Or;Ode to God Would I truly die for your dream? Would I also dare live for mine? Would the sun of perpetual motion Begin his day promptly at nine? The hour should always be yours, As the day is perpetually free; To carry its destined portrayal Of all it's intended to be. In the maddening swell from our earth, I 've mere nil upon nothing to add. But to witness the gradual movement Of time with the good and the bad. In taking my undeserved furlough, When twilight should finally call; My regret might simply be stated That in truth, I've not given my all! "...better now?"   
Last edited by studly111 09-17-2009 at 09:20:59 AM |
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Re: Haiku PoetrySo for the record, is this considered a Haiku? Last edited by Artie 11-07-2009 at 09:28:55 PM |
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Re: Re: Re: Haiku PoetryQuote: Originally Posted by studly111 Originally Posted by NevillePark Ode To God Would I die for your dream Would I live for mine Would the sun of perpetual motion Start work at nine The hour should be yours The day should be free To carry its destined portrayal Of all that's to be In the swell from earth I 've nil to add But to witness the movement Of time with the good and the bad In taking my rest When twilight should call My regret might be simply In truth, I've not given all. OK, I took a shot! Here's your "poetry makeover", as promised! In the immortal words of our late, great opthamalogist, Dr. Walter Rados; "Better now?" Or;Ode to God Would I truly die for your dream? Would I also dare live for mine? Would the sun of perpetual motion Begin his day promptly at nine? The hour should always be yours, As the day is perpetually free; To carry its destined portrayal Of all it's intended to be. In the maddening swell from our earth, I 've mere nil upon nothing to add. But to witness the gradual movement Of time with the good and the bad. In taking my undeserved furlough, When twilight should finally call; My regret might simply be stated That in truth, I've not given my all! "...better now?" DOS IST VOONDER BAR!  I think you should have wrote it in the first place it's that good.
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Re: Haiku PoetryI am not a follower of haiku poetry, but I do very much like the content of your poem...Lovely...Juanita Pittman-Brown |
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Re: Re: Re: Re: Haiku PoetryQuote:
Originally Posted by NevillePark Originally Posted by studly111 Originally Posted by NevillePark Ode To God Would I die for your dream Would I live for mine Would the sun of perpetual motion Start work at nine The hour should be yours The day should be free To carry its destined portrayal Of all that's to be In the swell from earth I 've nil to add But to witness the movement Of time with the good and the bad In taking my rest When twilight should call My regret might be simply In truth, I've not given all. OK, I took a shot! Here's your "poetry makeover", as promised! In the immortal words of our late, great opthamalogist, Dr. Walter Rados; "Better now?" Or;Ode to God Would I truly die for your dream? Would I also dare live for mine? Would the sun of perpetual motion Begin his day promptly at nine? The hour should always be yours, As the day is perpetually free; To carry its destined portrayal Of all it's intended to be. In the maddening swell from our earth, I 've mere nil upon nothing to add. But to witness the gradual movement Of time with the good and the bad. In taking my undeserved furlough, When twilight should finally call; My regret might simply be stated That in truth, I've not given my all! "...better now?" DOS IST VOONDER BAR! I think you should have wrote it in the first place it's that good. |
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Re: Haiku PoetryNeville, I think your original version is lovely, and truly enjoyed reading it...Keep writing; for writing is a gift and a blessing...Sincerely,Juanita Pittman-Brown |
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Re: Haiku PoetryHi there whatamothersays, I have yet to actually do anything Haiku on this thread. It's generated a lot of interest here and for a minimalist to work in but I don't think it's my direction in writing. |
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Re: Haiku PoetryNeville, maybe you can try a minimalist Praise song just to get started. You can always expand on it later, or develope the process gradually. |
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Re: Haiku PoetryInteresting thought Grito. I've tried abbreviating the content on a couple of my poems and it seemed to work for me ... so ya, I think I will give it a shot. |
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Re: Haiku PoetryArtie - I would say this meets the criteria. I also like it. |
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Re: Haiku PoetryGood deal Neville, I look forward to reading the result! |
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RE: Haiku PoetryA birthday, Haiku Slam= Last edited by WordSlinger 04-18-2010 at 01:46:23 PM |
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Haiku Poetry in Ninja VillagePlease come to Ninja Village in the School of Poetry.. |
To have great poets there must be great audiences too.
Walt Whitman, American Poet (1819-1892)