Original Poetry Forums

can someone check my poem

Post Reply
09-28-2009 at 03:01:42 PM

can someone check my poem

I would like to know how I can improve my poem writing
Please help!

Here one of them:

Giving your all

Fight the battle

That we call love

That's loving someone

Not being afraid to show all colors

All your love goes to him

And he giving the same

It 's not a game

That's loving someone

Fighting the battle and winning

All you gain is that person’s love

Your heart will not break in million pieces

Because you know he got your love

You know it because of smile on his face and his warm embrace

That's loving someone

Getting love in return

You will now learn

That loving someone

Their will be hard times

But our love will shine

When the hard times come we remember the good times and that keep us going

That’s loving someone


Quote
Flag Post
09-29-2009 at 06:20:03 AM
  • kah
  • kah
  • Posts: 339

Re: can someone check my poem

Okay, here are some things I noticed: The work "love" in used alot - maybe too much; the poem doesn't flow quite as smoothly as it could; maybe you could use some different words?

I really like the theme of the poem and the message you are writing about.

"Not being afraid to show all colors" is choppy...That's what I meant by smoothing it out or using different words.

Keep writing! You have talent.

Quote
Flag Post
Post Reply
Top of Page

Poetry is finer and more philosophical than history; for poetry expresses the universal, and history only the particular.

Aristotle (384 BC-322 BC) Greek philosopher.
Top of Page