Last Line

I was wondering about the last line in this poem...is it too awkward? If you have time to comment, thank you in advance. Kelly


Narcissus


Sage green eyes lock with ones trapped

in silver and glass

Fire red strands are snipped and snapped

to destroy her pride



Moonlit pond imprisons her reflection

in lustful shimmer

She looks upon her coming destruction

and embraces its tide



Blood is flowing and thick, scent of rust

on the breeze

Memories brought fore, seemingly just

for her sinful pleas



Glamoured by the jeweled scarlet pool

she leans in to kiss

Midnight hands crush the little fool

and slash her wrists



Falling through cool undulations of bliss

joy is now within

Self-enthroned, the darling Narcissus

forever a rotting stem.

RE: Last Line

No, I think the last line is good as stands. I get it. The only thing. I feel you should keep to a rhyming pantern or not. I think it would be okay to remove the rhyming from the last three stanzes. However, I was able to overlook it, and I think it is one of your best.

Last edited by MootPoint 10-14-2010 at 11:51:57 AM

RE: Last Line

Or change the first two stanzas to be like this:

In silver and glass
Sage green eyes locked and trapped

To destroy her pride
Fire red strands are snipped and snapped

In lustful shimmer
Moonlit pond imprisons her reflection

Embraced by tide
She looks upon her coming destruction

See how the rhyming is on the second line through out? It would follow a ABCB pattern throughout.

Last edited by MootPoint 10-14-2010 at 12:00:24 PM

RE: Last Line

Oooo...thank you, Moot. I see what you're saying about the rhyming pattern. I need to be disciplined and work on rewrites. I start writing and am so reluctant to revise. Obviously, this one needs the work.

Thank you so much for taking the time. Much appreciated.

Kelly