BALLAD FOR AN OLD FLAME

Okay guys, I really need some serious criticism on this lyric, both structure and content. THANKS!:


BALLAD FOR AN OLD FLAME


I never knew you
I thought I did, but I was wrong,
I couldn’t hear you.
Thought I would,
I knew I could
When I was near you,
Insistent themes from my old songs
Rang in my ears for much too long,
First with joy and then with tears.
I went away and it was clear,
I never knew you.
.
It seems I looked
But never saw.
I looked right through you.
Dancing ballet to my songs,
You just followed me along
When I sang those same old songs.
They were songs I’d found to move you
But those old songs we’d sung for years
Became so tinny to my ears,
The ones that you knew.
The ones that I’d sung to you,
Not to confuse you,
.
And yet a restless part of me
Cried inside to be let free
Of evenings wasted on TV
Didn’t need another life.
It’s true, you were my loving wife
I had to leave, or I’d have died.
We were both left high and dry
But I could only say goodby.
I never knew you.
.
You seemed to see in me
Some heroic quality
I myself could never see
Asked if that quality were mine
Or some kind of late-sent Valentine
A dream you’d hoped that could be mine
That just never did fit me,
The dream we held together for a time
When our pathways intertwined.
I never knew you.
.
No more with closed
And sleep-beclouded eyes
The later chapters of my book,
In mirrors of another’s eyes
I find reflections more resigned
To truth the “Mirror of My Mind”
Tells me lovers all must find:
“I never knew you”.
.

Copyright July 17th, 2010
CrazyGrampa

Last edited by devaamido 08-07-2010 at 12:48:56 PM

RE: BALLAD FOR AN OLD FLAME

I would suggest you PM Balladeer and ask for his thoughts on your song lyrics. He's really good at this type of poetry...hum, maybe that's why his name is Balladeer. He's a great teacher and a really nice guy. I'm sure he would be happy to help you.

RE: BALLAD FOR AN OLD FLAME

I am not a poem expert, but I know what I like. This poem has lots of good things about it.

I like the first two stanzas.

I am not a big fan of rhyming three lines in a row though. Some of the rhyming effects the flow.

"We were both left high and dry" line: "High and dry" is a common used phrase. Which is okay to use for certain purposes. I just think it doesn't add anything.

Please feel free to critque any of mine.

Thank you,
MOot

RE: BALLAD FOR AN OLD FLAME

Quote:

Originally Posted by devaamido

Okay guys, I really need some serious criticism on this lyric, both structure and content. THANKS!:


BALLAD FOR AN OLD FLAME


I never knew you
I thought I did, but I was wrong,
I couldn’t hear you.
Thought I would,
I knew I could
When I was near you,
Insistent themes from my old songs
Rang in my ears for much too long,
First with joy and then with tears.
I went away and it was clear,
I never knew you.
.
It seems I looked
But never saw.
I looked right through you.
Dancing ballet to my songs,
You just followed me along
When I sang those same old songs.
They were songs I’d found to move you
But those old songs we’d sung for years
Became so tinny to my ears,
The ones that you knew.
The ones that I’d sung to you,
Not to confuse you,
.
And yet a restless part of me
Cried inside to be let free
Of evenings wasted on TV
Didn’t need another life.
It’s true, you were my loving wife
I had to leave, or I’d have died.
We were both left high and dry
But I could only say goodby.
I never knew you.
.
You seemed to see in me
Some heroic quality
I myself could never see
Asked if that quality were mine
Or some kind of late-sent Valentine
A dream you’d hoped that could be mine
That just never did fit me,
The dream we held together for a time
When our pathways intertwined.
I never knew you.
.
No more with closed
And sleep-beclouded eyes
The later chapters of my book,
In mirrors of another’s eyes
I find reflections more resigned
To truth the “Mirror of My Mind”
Tells me lovers all must find:
“I never knew you”.
.

Copyright July 17th, 2010
CrazyGrampa

Last edited by cousinsoren 09-29-2010 at 09:59:06 AM