Original Poetry Forums

shopping cart arms

Post Reply
09-19-2009 at 08:02:41 AM
  • poetography
  • poetography
  • Posts: 608

shopping cart arms

shopping cart arms


their arms are shopping carts
eyes like steamed pizza boxes
no parking signs on crotches
streets are waxed to a hi-sheen
driven over by smiling headlights
phone booths growing from earlobes
playgrounds inside of dollar menu joints

seagulls fight over a french fry in
the handicapped parking spot

it's only 7 pm in the suburbs
i want to get fucked-up
but i drive past the liquor store
and behind the strip mall
two cooks from the chinese restaurant
are smoking next to the dumpster

i miss the city

Quote
Flag Post
09-20-2009 at 07:30:51 AM

Re: shopping cart arms

i like your style & that you've chosen to write about something imperfect. actually it's the best poem i've read so far from this site. and i'm pretty liberal with my views regarding what a poem 'should' be, etc. but i do have one nit to pick, since you've opened yourself to critique.

even though i like your style and verbage in stanza 1, i have no idea what you're talking about. the first stanza is your opening. this is where you want to elicit the reader's attention so she'll stay with the poem the rest of the way.

i'd work on making that first verse a little clearer so the reader won't feel as if you're talking to yourself.

Quote
Flag Post
09-20-2009 at 09:56:46 AM
  • poetography
  • poetography
  • Posts: 608

shopping cart arms ( revised per gingers fine comments )

shopping cart arms

ho-hum life morphed to zombie-land

with nano-second sight , they become:

bodies with shopping cart arms
eyes like steamed pizza boxes
no parking signs on crotches
asphalt streets waxed to hi-sheen
driven over by smiling headlights
phone booths growing from earlobes
playgrounds inside of dollar menu joints

seagulls fight over a french fry in
the handicapped parking spot

it's only 7 pm in the suburbs
i want to get fucked-up
but i drive past the liquor store
and behind the strip mall
two cooks from the chinese restaurant
are smoking next to the dumpster

i miss the city

Quote
Flag Post
09-21-2009 at 01:05:54 PM

Re: shopping cart arms

I've already commented on this poem but, I really liked it! I really like the details you give. They are every day things that people see but, really don't see! Does that make sense?

Quote
Flag Post
09-21-2009 at 01:33:08 PM
  • poetography
  • poetography
  • Posts: 608

shopping cart arms

Thank you it makes perfect sense ........to me !

Quote
Flag Post
Post Reply
Top of Page

Poetry is what gets lost in translation.

Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.
Top of Page